Invisible No More

my love affair with words

who is this?

who is this

that I am

it is not me

speaking this way

walking this walk

living this life

loving this man

I’m not who you

think I am

I’m me

not this person

that you see

who is that

it isn’t me

brushing my hair

dressing my body

I am not there

you are not talking

to me

who is it?

oh my God…

.

it’s me

.

.

10/5/95

©Patti Keno

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gender

I am woman

my feminine display

is carefully hidden

it’s tucked away

fearing innocence lost

hidden forever

what is the cost?

losing myself?

I’m already lost

moving onward

so afraid

never knowing exactly

where my innocence

is laid

moving onward

moving fast

knowing my innocence

my false masculinity

will

never

last

.

.

.

                                                            6/6/96

                                                                ©Patti Keno

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folding inside of myself

i just want to be alone today

i just want to take it slow today

i want to fold in upon myself

i want to disappear

i don’t want this anymore

i don’t want this anymore

can’t you make it go away

i just want to cry today

i just want to scream today

all this aching is breaking me apart

inside

and i don’t want this anymore

can’t you see

i don’t want to be

the one who is left behind

the one who is all alone

I don’t want this anymore

can’t you take it away from me

but this is how it always is

and this is how it always will be

me waiting

waiting

waiting

waiting

waiting

waiting

waiting

waiting

for somebody to love me

for

somebody

to love

me

and

leave me

not

alone

.

 .

                                                                      8/12/02

                                                                         ©Patti Keno

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only

leave me bleed

and send me quake

only how I ache

only how

I

ache

.

tear me asunder

and bring on the rain

only how I ache

only how

I

ache

.

twitch me sorrow

and ignite my flame

only how I ache

only how

I

ache

.

only

how

i

ache

ache

i

how

only

only

only

.

.

                                                            01/23/15

                                                              ©Patti Keno

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tidal wave

time

is a wasted thing

it is a meaningless

thing

it surges forward

relentlessly

and drowns us

in its wake

it leaves us breathless

and broken

washed upon the

shore

in a different place

in a different time

where we learn to

adapt

we heal

and begin to

live again

only to be swept

away

once again

by unforgiving

and relentless

time

.

.

                                                                        01/5/15

                                                                                ©Patti Keno

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I’m not finished yet

i dreamt; i saw
i came; i went
i bled; i cried
i jumped; i screamed
i lived; i died
i loved; i cared
i ran; i played
i gave; i shared
i left; i went
i ripped; i tore
i killed; i mended
.
still it wasn’t enough
still i want more
.
i ran; i skipped
i drove; i rode
i flew; i walked
i ate; i drank
i tasted; i felt
i saw; i heard
I FELT
i sang; i ached
I laughed; i cried
.
but it wasn’t enough
I STILL WANT MORE
one more day and it’s over
I used to tell myself that
one more day and I’ll be gone
but i never could do it
I thought I could
.
i thought; i analyzed
i mixed; i mingled
i flirted; i teased
i floated; i breezed
i tantalized; i broke
i cut; i cried
I cried
I cried
I cried
I cried
I cried
icried
icry
icry
icry
cry cry
cry
.
but it’s never enough
i can’t do enough
i can’t see enough
i can’t feel enough
i can’t want enough
i can’t hear enough
i can’t taste enough
i can’t smell enough
i can’t go now
I can’t
I’m not finished yet
.
I’ve lived and loved
for a quarter of a century
and still it isn’t enough
I WANT MORE
I can’t go now
I can’t
.
.
11/26/01

©Patti Keno

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kick out the gloom

lost in the crowd

she moves on in silence

wondering who will see her

wondering who has the ability

to see the girl invisible to all

longing to be there

longing to be loved

she knows that she was never meant to be

maybe she was supposed to die

maybe no one will ever see her

maybe no one even cares

she opens her mouth and screams

and screams and screams

screaming she stands alone

she chased them all away

except for one boy

who is disappearing

a disappearing boy

he smiles at her as she stops her screaming

she smiles back her crooked smile

and finally realizes

she was never alone

she was

NEVER

ALONE

and there they still stand

hand in hand

the disappearing boy and the invisible girl

.

.

10/18/00

©Patti Keno

 to ‘the disappearing boy’ who i met in the ‘Kick Out the Gloom’ chat room and had the most wonderful and poetic email friendship with. Sadly, we lost contact a few years back, but i miss him horribly. I miss his words.

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yesterday was perfect

yesterday everything was perfect
everything was so clear
so heartbreakingly beautiful
the fog surrounded it all
it made it perfect
it made me perfect
and i loved it all
i was afraid i was going to die
i thought this must be
what it looks like
just before you die
that perfect fog
it threatened to swallow me
but created such beauty such clarity
maybe it’s the changing seasons
or maybe it’s something else
all i know
is that
yesterday
everything
was perfect
everything
was beautiful
yesterday everything was perfect
yesterday was beauty
perfect and clear
and i don’t
think it will
ever be that way again.

.
10/15/03

©Patti Keno

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cinnamon and icebergs

today i can feel you
i can smell you
your sweet cinnamon scent
i can taste you
taste the essence of you
with every bite
the smell of you
the taste of you
the touch of you
breaking through
the wall i built
around my broken
wounded heart
i see your
favorite book
i hear your favorite
band
i see visions of you
every where i look
and he reminds me of you
the things he does
the way he talks
and i hate him
i hate him
and i think
i might
hate
you
too
for leaving me
with your touch
leaving the taste of you
on my tongue
your hot kisses
burned into my lips
and i hate you
for leaving me
with the smell of you
cinnamon and icebergs
everywhere i go
everywhere i go
and i hate walking in there
the place you used to work
the people that you knew
staring at me
knowing what you did
how you left me
with only your touch
your smell
your taste
your hair
and all
ALL
of your
worldly possessions
now mine
i hate the smell
of cinnamon & ice bergs
i hate the smell
of you.

.

11/14/02
©Patti Keno

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last month

last month never happened

i need to go back and fix it

i missed a whole month while sleeping

the days just seemed to slip away

they broke against the shore

and i never saw them again

last month crashed and sank into the ocean

just like my heart

it was left behind

and now i’ll never know

and nothing will ever show

all that i have missed

in that one missing month

last month has disappeared again

just like they always do

until i’m back here again

wondering what i did last month

.

.

9/5/01

©Patti Keno

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