Invisible No More

my love affair with words

starving

“I know what you’re

hungry for”

he says

with blood-shot eyes

and yellowed teeth

he stands before me

waiting

holding out a pen

“I know what you’re

hungry for”

he says

he wants me to begin

but he pulls the pen away

and I am left

to ache once

again

for the words

that never come

for the silence

that never goes

“Insomniac!”

he accuses and

laughs in my face

but still I cannot get close

I cannot begin

he waits for me

to stop him

he waits for

me to yell

but I am

alone and

voiceless

here in my

self-appointed hell

“heretic!”

he calls me

he knows that

I’m insane

he knows that

writing is

all I have

to ease this

precious

pain

still he does not

give up

still he does not

give in

when will he

ever let me

begin

                                                                        01/24/00

                                                                                 ©Patti Keno

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kick out the gloom

lost in the crowd

she moves on in silence

wondering who will see her

wondering who has the ability

to see the girl invisible to all

longing to be there

longing to be loved

she knows that she was never meant to be

maybe she was supposed to die

maybe no one will ever see her

maybe no one even cares

she opens her mouth and screams

and screams and screams

screaming she stands alone

she chased them all away

except for one boy

who is disappearing

a disappearing boy

he smiles at her as she stops her screaming

she smiles back her crooked smile

and finally realizes

she was never alone

she was

NEVER

ALONE

and there they still stand

hand in hand

the disappearing boy and the invisible girl

.

.

10/18/00

©Patti Keno

 to ‘the disappearing boy’ who i met in the ‘Kick Out the Gloom’ chat room and had the most wonderful and poetic email friendship with. Sadly, we lost contact a few years back, but i miss him horribly. I miss his words.

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in my dreams

When morning came

without you

once again

I did not cry

I did not scream

or beg

I accepted it

I know

I will never

meet you

and try as

I might

I know

I can never

hold you in

my arms

and wake

with you

still beside me

try as I might

I cannot

pull you

through

the velvet curtain

of the dreaming

and I know

I should be

contented

just to see

you in

my dreams

 

9/8/00

©Patti Keno

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Swing

If only I could close

my eyes

and see your face

again

If only I could call

your name

and feel your touch

once more

If only I could have

 known then

how much I would

miss you

how much I would

ache for you

Ache for the sound

of your voice

forever gone

If only I could

remember your touch

If only I could

remember anything

past the beginning

and before the end

If only I could

 remember

anything at all

If only I could

remember

you

and love you

then

like I love you

now

.

.

8/1/00

©Patti Keno

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your arms

I remember the nights

we spent awake

you held me in your arms

I remember thinking

“this is all I ever wanted”

“this is all I could have hoped for”

I remember snuggling deep

within your warmth

I remember the emptiness I felt

when you left

and I realize now

it’s your arms I miss the most

your strength and protection

your warmth

I don’t miss you

anymore

I only miss what we knew

those beautiful nights

we spent alone

holding each other

I miss your arms

I miss you holding me,

but I no longer miss you.

.

.

                                                                                    8/23/00

©Patti Keno

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find

I never thought

You’d find

me

lying here

resting

holding my head

against

the rain

against the

coming storm

shivering

violently

lost &

alone

I never thought

I’d find you

there

holding out

your arms

to take me

in and

hold me

like a doll

I never thought

I’d find

a peace

inside

a peace so

overwhelming

I never thought

I would

find

a kindred soul

in you

                                                                                    4/4/00

©Patti Keno

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the smile

It started with

a smile

a quick hello

an innocence

shared

an electricity

crackling

in their

eyes

 .

It started with

a smile

a simple caress

an innocent

kiss

a tender

word

full of

meaning

.

it started

with a smile

and lived

and entire lifetime

in the span

of a minute

as her imagination

built an entire

lifetime

of love

based on that

one smile

.

.

                                                3/17/00

                                                ©Patti Keno

.

to “the Man I always drop things in front of”

 

 

 

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Sideshow

I belong in a circus, in the sideshow

“Step right up! See the blue haired girl! Silent Patti from Detroit!

She never speaks! The only one in existence!”

I belong in there, not out here with you

The shiest girl with the hottest man

It doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t seem fair.

I belong in the freak show, standing next

to the two-headed goat

“Step right up! See the purple haired girl! Silent Patti from Detroit!

She never speaks! The only one in existence!”

That’s how I feel

I shouldn’t be here with you

I shouldn’t be anywhere, but locked away

in a cage at the sideshow

at the freak show

Where only the creeps want to hit on me

I belong in there

because that’s where I belong

“Step right up! See the green haired girl! Silent Patti from Detroit!

She never speaks! The only one in existence!”

 .

 .

 .

                             8/17/00

                                ©Patti Keno

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the longing hand

the longing hand

reaches out

and closes around

my heart

the longing hand

searches me out

as I hide within

the crowd

pretending to be

normal

pretending to be

me

I can never

out run it

I can never

hide from it

the longing hand

will always

find me

the longing hand

will always be

closing around

my desperate

heart

I have resigned

myself to

accept my

fate

I’ve begun

to crave

it’s touch

the longing hand

so painful

the longing had

so harsh

so cruel

I crave the

restlessness

I crave the

sleepless nights

I long for the

longing hand

as it longs for

me

I long for

the longing hand

closing around

my heart

for it is only

in that moment

in that familiar

grasp

that I truly

feel alive

.

.

8/30/00

©Patti Keno

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and

eyes are burning

from the endless

nights

laying awake

 –

and waiting

I am filled

with desire

for something

unknown

 –

and unwanted

 –

I ache

alone

filled with

remorse

and regret

I long and

I long

with this

intense desire

and wanton lust

 –

I long for

something

anything

that can put out

this

fire

but I never

know what

it is I ache

for

 –

 –

                                                3/6/00

pik

©Patti Keno

1 Comment »

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