Invisible No More

my love affair with words

my tower

these words

my words

I say that I scream

them out

I say that I yell

them from the

mountain tops

but I don’t

I lied

what I really do

is hide

I hide away

in my tower

and write these

words

my words

on tiny pieces of

paper

tiny letters, tiny words

and then I fold

them

ever so gently

into cranes

tiny little origami

cranes

and I throw

them from my tower

in hopes that

they will fly

they are but paper

teeny tiny paper cranes

that pile around

the base of my tower

the base of my home

I have to find

a way

to make them

fly

I have to

stop

hiding in

this tower

and I have

to fly

.

I

have to

fly

.

.

                                    05/28/16

                                            ©Patti Keno

Advertisements
Leave a comment »

gender

I am woman

my feminine display

is carefully hidden

it’s tucked away

fearing innocence lost

hidden forever

what is the cost?

losing myself?

I’m already lost

moving onward

so afraid

never knowing exactly

where my innocence

is laid

moving onward

moving fast

knowing my innocence

my false masculinity

will

never

last

.

.

.

                                                            6/6/96

                                                                ©Patti Keno

Leave a comment »

folding inside of myself

i just want to be alone today

i just want to take it slow today

i want to fold in upon myself

i want to disappear

i don’t want this anymore

i don’t want this anymore

can’t you make it go away

i just want to cry today

i just want to scream today

all this aching is breaking me apart

inside

and i don’t want this anymore

can’t you see

i don’t want to be

the one who is left behind

the one who is all alone

I don’t want this anymore

can’t you take it away from me

but this is how it always is

and this is how it always will be

me waiting

waiting

waiting

waiting

waiting

waiting

waiting

waiting

for somebody to love me

for

somebody

to love

me

and

leave me

not

alone

.

 .

                                                                      8/12/02

                                                                         ©Patti Keno

1 Comment »

starving

“I know what you’re

hungry for”

he says

with blood-shot eyes

and yellowed teeth

he stands before me

waiting

holding out a pen

“I know what you’re

hungry for”

he says

he wants me to begin

but he pulls the pen away

and I am left

to ache once

again

for the words

that never come

for the silence

that never goes

“Insomniac!”

he accuses and

laughs in my face

but still I cannot get close

I cannot begin

he waits for me

to stop him

he waits for

me to yell

but I am

alone and

voiceless

here in my

self-appointed hell

“heretic!”

he calls me

he knows that

I’m insane

he knows that

writing is

all I have

to ease this

precious

pain

still he does not

give up

still he does not

give in

when will he

ever let me

begin

                                                                        01/24/00

                                                                                 ©Patti Keno

2 Comments »

my words

my words

 

I am the angry

PoEt

with fire in

her eyes

I am the silent

girl

blue hair

blowing madly

in the wind

I stand before

you ready to

attack

I am the angry

pOeT

and I am never

coming back

I am the silent girl

who claims

she’s from Detroit

and worked here

for four years

I am the angry

 PoeT

who lies and lies

and lies

I am the angry

pOEt

and MY WORDS

WILL NEVER
DIE

                                                01/12/01

                                                      ©Patti Keno

Leave a comment »

kick out the gloom

lost in the crowd

she moves on in silence

wondering who will see her

wondering who has the ability

to see the girl invisible to all

longing to be there

longing to be loved

she knows that she was never meant to be

maybe she was supposed to die

maybe no one will ever see her

maybe no one even cares

she opens her mouth and screams

and screams and screams

screaming she stands alone

she chased them all away

except for one boy

who is disappearing

a disappearing boy

he smiles at her as she stops her screaming

she smiles back her crooked smile

and finally realizes

she was never alone

she was

NEVER

ALONE

and there they still stand

hand in hand

the disappearing boy and the invisible girl

.

.

10/18/00

©Patti Keno

 to ‘the disappearing boy’ who i met in the ‘Kick Out the Gloom’ chat room and had the most wonderful and poetic email friendship with. Sadly, we lost contact a few years back, but i miss him horribly. I miss his words.

Leave a comment »

Swing

If only I could close

my eyes

and see your face

again

If only I could call

your name

and feel your touch

once more

If only I could have

 known then

how much I would

miss you

how much I would

ache for you

Ache for the sound

of your voice

forever gone

If only I could

remember your touch

If only I could

remember anything

past the beginning

and before the end

If only I could

 remember

anything at all

If only I could

remember

you

and love you

then

like I love you

now

.

.

8/1/00

©Patti Keno

1 Comment »

Who I Am. Part 2: meltdowns

A meltdown is when the emotions inside me built up to a point that I can no longer control them.  It usually happens when I am frustrated, scared, angry or if I perceive a threat (a threat to me could be someone telling me I did something wrong). When this happens words fill my head: things I want to say (but can’t), things you’ve just said to me.  These words fill my head until I can’t think anymore and they finally break free as tears.

I have only had five or six public meltdowns as an adult (that I can remember).  Most times I can feel it coming and remove myself from the situation or I can talk myself down: “You’re not going to cry. You’re not going to cry. You’re not going to cry.” I repeat that mantra until I eventually calm down or sometimes cry.  It seems like working with difficult bosses or people makes me more vulnerable to melt downs.

Like the one I had in the Meijer backroom when I worked there.  They manager would not let me go home after I hurt my knee (on the job, no less).  I was so angry and frustrated that I ended up hiding in the racks of shoes in the back room crying until my friend found me and asked me what’s wrong.  Most times I can get to a bathroom or any other hidden place and have it privately, but sometimes I can’t get away and I panic and say crazy things or do crazy things just to get away.

Like the time at the bookstore when my friend got fired, but I was her ride.  The manager told me to drive her home and come back to work.  My friend getting fired started the melt down, but this time I could actually get my words out and I told him. “Here’s the thing, I’ll take her home, but I’m not coming back. I QUIT!” He was upset, but what could he do to stop me.   That is when I uttered the hilarious and now famous (in my little circle of friends) words: “And I’m taking my Kleenex with me!” my friend and I stormed out Kleenex box in hand.  I knew I would need those Kleenex on the way home.

Back then I didn’t know what a “meltdown” was.  I always just thought everyone had these little insane attacks of not knowing what to say and crying for no apparent reason.  I didn’t know crying in front of people wasn’t “normal”.  Thinking back now I wonder what people must think when that happens.  Do they go home and tell their spouses.  “Hey I made a girl cry at work today.” to which there spouse would say. “How nice” and they would continue eating their meal.

Another not-so-hilarious meltdown occurred when I worked at Borders. (not to be confused with the bookstore mentioned earlier) I was older and medicated when this meltdown happened.  I was working the Info desk, I took a call and the customer was frustrated with me because I couldn’t hear what she was saying.  She said “Are you stupid? I said…” and repeated what she said which I still didn’t understand. (My hearing difficulties are much worse on the phone…no lips to read) to which I replied.  “Please Hold” Put her on hold and picked up the radio mic clipped to my lanyard. I asked if someone could please take the call on line one because I couldn’t understand her and she was a bitch.  (I had never swore on the floor at work and I was always extremely courteous to all the customers, so hearing me say that on the floor must have been a red flag for my coworkers)   I ran to the break room and threw myself on the couch in tears.  A manager got me and took me in the office to help me calm down.  (God, just writing about these experiences are making me teary eyed.)  The thing that calmed me down the most that time was when my friend James knocked on the door bringing me a Coke, to help me calm down.  He didn’t know it, but when I drink (Coke, water, anything) it helps me push the tears back, plus I thought it was really sweet of him. J

My meltdowns most of the time only involve crying.  Although sometimes (not as much as they used to) they involve self injury.  (Self injury meaning cutting, punching or biting myself) Most of that self injury occurred because I felt I was too stupid or not good enough or to punish myself for some wrong that mostly likely no one noticed anyway or because I was just plain angry. (That also leads to another long story about my self-injury or “cutting” problem which is a topic for another time. Don’t worry I haven’t cut myself in over 10 years)   I don’t know how to express anger.  I’m supposed to be working on that.  L  Although I do have my poetry and my journal entries, some of these are very anger-filled

 

The Hulk

 

There are walls

of silence that

surround me

that hold me

back

separate, apart

from my

future

walls of silence

that I cannot endure

walls of silence

that are

torturous

and too difficult

to bear

but I cannot

speak

the words

are choked

back in anger

shoved down

my throat

by silence

leaving my

soul raw

and

angry

a storehouse

of rage

lays there

deep inside

deep within

this

skin

a store-

house

of rage

that is

filling

fast

and when

it fills

and explodes

no one will

be safe

from my

wrath

for I am

like you

a beast

an animal

that cannot

control

my rage

I cannot

pull it

back

once it is

released

and like

the

Incredible

Hulk

you must

believe

me

when I say

don’t make me angry.
you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

.

                                                12/11/98

                                            ©Patti Keno

 

 

The quote was from The Incredible Hulk TV series which was my favorite show growing up until Quantum Leap came out then I was a Leap girl, but I NEVER lost my love for Bill Bixby & Lou Ferrigno, even though Lou made me cry at a Comic Con. (He told me it cost money to have my picture taken with him after I just spent all the money I had on an autographed head shot of him.)  Luckily my brother was there to talk me down from that meltdown. See that is what I mean something that little and insignificant sent me into a vortex of emotions.  I was angry; I was sad; I was disappointed; but because I don’t know how to express those emotions they just came out in tears. I have seen the Hulk inside of me though, she’s been out once or twice and she’s not pretty.

Another thing that causes meltdowns in me is routines and schedules.  I need to know what I’m doing every day before I do it.  I need a clear plan; a schedule for the day’s events and deviating from that schedule could be catastrophic. If you tell me we’re going to Applebee’s and then at the last minute decide to go somewhere else.  I ‘freak out’ (mostly I’ve learned to internalize the freak out which is probably not good, but at least I don’t get embarrassed for melting down in front of people) I’ve also learned over the years to have a contingency plan for restaurants.  I plan what I’m going to eat at each one that we could possibly go to that way it won’t be as bad if plans change.  Just watch out if God forbid the restaurant we finally decide to go to stops carrying my go-to-meal, it’s more devastating to me when that happens and therefore harder to control my melt down.

Another example of routine breaking caused meltdowns…. I had a boyfriend once who would constantly make plans with me and then not show up. Normally people would think how rude and feel slighted.  Not me I would be constantly peeking out the window “Is that him?  Is he here finally?” As the day progressed with no word I would get sadder and sadder until I finally broke down in tears.  I was sure that his not showing up meant it was over between us and he no longer wanted to be my boyfriend.  I wrote a poem about that. (I write poems about everything can you tell?)

.

Promises

 

desperate and aching

waiting and waiting

on tiptoes

I stare out

through the window

in the door

and wait

and watch

and hope

to see you there

.

desperate and aching

waiting and waiting

pacing the floor

wanting

waiting

you said

you’d be here

.

desperate and aching

waiting and waiting

I say my goodbyes

and fly into

my room

fall into my bed

and cover up my head

desperate and aching

waiting and waiting

waiting and waiting

waiting and waiting

crying and sobbing

stood up again

.

4/10/15

                                                                                              ©Patti Keno

 

Well that’s it for now stay tuned for the next installment of Who I Am coming soon.  In the meantime check out my books at

http://www.amazon.com/Patti-Keno/e/B00UB8EJJ4/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1441147153&sr=8-1

 
Don’t forget to read Who I Am part one…
https://pattikeno.wordpress.com/2015/07/17/who-i-am-part-1/?preview=true
©Patti Keno

1 Comment »

Shameless Plugs

Added some Beasties to my shop on Etsy. Check them out…

dark voodoo 4

https://www.etsy.com/shop/MysticFlowerCrafts?ref=shopinfo_shophome_leftnav

 

Check out my latest novel…

.SS_med

http://www.amazon.com/Shattered-Souls-Guardians-Patti-Keno/dp/0692493247/ref=sr_1_22?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1439872047&sr=1-22&keywords=shattered+souls

http://www.amazon.com/Shattered-Souls-Guardians-Book-1-ebook/dp/B0131LW5QQ/ref=sr_1_11?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1439872082&sr=1-11&keywords=shattered+souls

 

 

And don’t forget my first novel…

AMOO_lg

http://www.amazon.com/Murder-One-Patti-Keno/dp/0692388338/ref=sr_1_69_twi_pap_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1439872226&sr=1-69&keywords=A+murder+of+one

http://www.amazon.com/Murder-One-Patti-Keno-ebook/dp/B00UB8URJ0/ref=sr_1_69?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1439872226&sr=1-69&keywords=A+murder+of+one

 

thanks for reading!

Leave a comment »

Normal

 

those words

and the way  you

say them

make me feel

stupid and useless

and I hate it

I’m not like

everyone

else

so quit trying

to change

me

I will never

fit in

to your cookie

cutter

expectations

so why do you

even try

those words

and the way

you say

them

cut me in two

leaving me bleeding

and restless

I will never be

normal

so quit trying

to make

me

so

.

those words

and the way

in which you

say them

leave me aching

and breaking

down in despair

.

I am not

stupid!

I am not

weak!

I am not

useless!

.

I am

NOT

NORMAL

and I

will

never

be

                                                            4/10/15

                                                              ©Patti Keno

Leave a comment »

e. a. comiskey

Exploring the wonder of creation - seen and imagined

The Sassy Celebrant

Marriage ceremonies created by a friendly sassy celebrant

Fangasm

When academics go to Hollywood!

dokurtybitz

gamer, geek, poet, dad, bi-polar mess at times

dnobrienpoetry

All Poetry © Dennis N. O'Brien, 2010 - 2018

In The Hive

https://twitter.com/search?f=tweets&vertical=default&q=from%3A%40Beezknez%20exclude%3Amentions Poetry Thoughts Stories Photo's Art (copyright by MyFreeCopyright.com

Ana Spoke, author

It's time to get hella serious about writing!

Enchanted Forests

This Blog is about discovering the magic of forests in every aspect of life from a small plant in a metropolis to the forests themselves

Passion For Truths

Truths liberate the Soul

The Renegade Press

Tales from the mouth of a wolf

Write Divas

Where your book is our business

Funky Air Bear

Traditional & Modern Knits

nicoleemerence

Life, Love, Loss, and Everything Inbetween

%d bloggers like this: