Invisible No More

my love affair with words

Who I am. part 1

I have something different about me, but my difference is invisible.  You wouldn’t see it unless you know why I’m pulling my wrists or biting my fingers (Actually I’m pulling my jaw, but to you it probably looks like I’m biting all my fingers at once).

Wait, let me start this off by saying I have never been diagnosed with Asperger’s or any other Autism related disorder.  In fact when I brought it up with my (ex)therapist.  He laughed (at me? or because he doesn’t believe in Autism?) and basically guaranteed that I did not have Asperger’s, but what that man didn’t understand is I’ve had 39 years to learn to adapt to this world and hide my tics, my meltdowns, my obsessions and other quirks.

My nephew was diagnosed as PDD-NOS, but at first we thought it was Asperger’s and the more we researched Asperger’s syndrome the more I recognized the traits in myself, I saw in myself so many traits of an Aspie.  With this blog, I’m not trying to convince anyone that I have this condition, because honestly I don’t know if I do or not.  What I hope to accomplish is to give you a glimpse into the mind of someone who may (or may not) have Asperger’s Syndrome.

I was taught when I was very young that I needed to look people in their eyes when I talk to them.  I remember very specifically my mom sitting me on her lap and telling me to look her in the eyes.  (Of course she was trying to catch me in a lie at the time.  I frequently took the fall for my Brother and Sister when I was little.  They would pay me for it. “I’ll give you a dollar if you say you did it.”) I learned from that experience what was expected when talking to someone.

Most of the time I try to stare at people’s mouths, my sensory processing disorder (also never been diagnosed) makes it hard for me to understand what people are saying.  One of my friends explained it as I hear what people say then I have to translate it into Patti Language before I can understand it. Sometimes I have to repeat the sounds I heard in my head a dozen or so times before it gets translated. So if I look lost or bored I’m probably just lost in translation. 🙂   Reading peoples lips helps, plus it’s a good way to avoid eye contact in a somewhat socially acceptable way.  Once I was at a Halloween party and I wasn’t wearing my glasses and I realized I couldn’t hear what people across the room were saying to me when I put my glasses back on I heard them better.  That is when I realized I subconsciously read people’s lips.

Accents are very hard for me to process, two examples:  I was visiting Tennessee with my Aunt, Uncle and 2 cousins.  I had painted my nails purple awhile before the trip so as always (it seems) my polish was chipped and only on the bottom of my fingernails.  A woman looked at it and said “Did you mash your thumb?” with a very heavy southern accent.  I literally was at a loss.  I had no idea what the woman asked me, but she was waiting for an answer I just stood there staring at her until my uncle translated, “She wants to know if you hurt your thumb.” I just said “nail polish” and wiggled my fingers at her.  I was so embarrassed that I could not figure out what she said it just sounded like DIDYAMASHYATHUMB.

The other incident is somewhat funnier; mom and I laugh about it a lot.  My pediatrician was a lovely Thai woman (she actually saved my life when I was 3, but that’s a story for another time) who at the time had a pretty heavy accent, but I was used it because I knew her and most times I could understand her. This time was different; she used a word that I didn’t quite know yet.  She said “I need to get a urine specimen.”  I’d probably heard the words urine and specimen before, but it wasn’t something used in everyday conversation. So I said “What?” and she said “I need to get a urine specimen,” so I said “What?” and she repeated it. It probably happened 5 times before my mom finally yelled “GO PEE IN A CUP!” That was much less embarrassing than the DIDYAMASHYATHUMB incident, because we were all laughing about it. Now, I think of that every time I have to give a urine sample.

DIDYAMASHYATHUMB. If you look at that word and have trouble finding where all the spaces go, that’s how I hear.  I have to match word sounds with words I’ve heard before.  If I’m bored or tired I just nod and smile, sometimes it’s just too hard to translate what people say to me, sometimes it’s just not ever worth the effort.

If you’ve ever seen me singing along with the songs on the radio, I don’t actually sing the words (unless I know the song really well) I just sing the sounds. For example in Portishead’s Roads she sings “from this moment, how can it feel this” I know those words so I sing them, but until I wrote this blog I never knew that the next word is “wrong” I always just made the sound RA.  LOL How can it feel this RA.

Because I don’t always sing actual words I frequently sing instrumental solos too especially guitar solos.  My friend Carrie always gets a kick out of that.

 

stay tuned for part 2.

You can purchase my novel A Murder of One at:

http://www.amazon.com/Murder-One-Patti-Keno/dp/0692388338/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1437168287&sr=8-1&keywords=patti+Keno

AMOO_lg

and Stay tuned for my latest novel Shattered Souls coming soon!!!

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1 Comment »

Normal

 

those words

and the way  you

say them

make me feel

stupid and useless

and I hate it

I’m not like

everyone

else

so quit trying

to change

me

I will never

fit in

to your cookie

cutter

expectations

so why do you

even try

those words

and the way

you say

them

cut me in two

leaving me bleeding

and restless

I will never be

normal

so quit trying

to make

me

so

.

those words

and the way

in which you

say them

leave me aching

and breaking

down in despair

.

I am not

stupid!

I am not

weak!

I am not

useless!

.

I am

NOT

NORMAL

and I

will

never

be

                                                            4/10/15

                                                              ©Patti Keno

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pieces

pieces of me
scattered
strewn about
dust covered
water stained
teeny tiny
little pieces
scattered
strewn about
lying in repose
and here I sit
aching this
old
familiar ache
longing
longing for someone
anyone
to help me
help me
pick up the
pieces
pieces of
me
teeny tiny
me

.

.

                                                   7/11/15

                                                    ©Patti Keno

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Muzzle

I guess
I must have
tripped
and fallen
through my
cheery gladness
it’s gone now
and the world
is back in darkness
I am lost
again
and I hate it
and I love it
all
in the same
lonesome
breath
it’s aching inside
and tearing out
my heart
I hate it
this endless pain
inside my chest
inside my throat
bringing me to my knees
taking away my limbo
and leaving me
alone in
this darkness
without a shred
of armor
to protect me
from this
onslaught
I guess
I must have
tripped
and fallen
back into
this hole
this aching despair
why am I so
damn clumsy

5/16/05

                                                                          ©Patti Keno

This poem and the last one were based on a dream that i had.  This one is named Muzzle because that is the name of the man I was dating in said dream. (my mind works in weird ways)

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my choice

 

somehow I turn from you

and find myself longing

even more

for the touch of you

the feel of you

somehow I pull myself away

I pull myself apart

and ache

for the softness of your skin

the depth of your hand

the silence of your indignation

I ache in despair

at feelings

not there

feelings I feel

but you never will

I can fuss and scream

and ache and bawl

but there will never

be anything

between us

nothing but

the casual glance

of a lonesome friend

and the distance

so aching and vast

so desperate

so alone

I wait

for you

for anyone

to stop my

tears

to end me

                                                                                         5/16/05

                                                                                           ©Patti Keno

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Light and Run

Light and Run

 

The air around us is thick with

gun powder

The overhead hanging of clouds only

makes the reports louder

I long to be with you

but I am stuck here again

with nothing to do

I long to see your face

shadowed with the pretty lights

It makes me forget the hatred

forget the fights

I miss you I say as I light

and run

It flares up bright as the sun

And I think of you and

your gentle laughter

I’d always dreaded what

came after

The sparks die down and

fizzle out

I miss you without a doubt

7-4-94

©Patti Keno

Dedicated to the man I never knew.

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tiny poems from my past

These poems are from 93-96

.

.

No one wants to touch me

Who would dare

To try and

Touch the girl

Who is not there

.

.

I kiss your lips

with cold

intentions

I kiss your lips

with sweet

remorse

I kiss your lips

and linger

softly

I kiss your lips

and long

for forgiveness

.

Here I am

Dressed in red

Aimed to please

Am I dead,

or just losing my memories

.

Not dead,

just slowly dying

eyes are red

from all this crying

.

all poems ©Patti Keno

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