Invisible No More

my love affair with words

who is this?

who is this

that I am

it is not me

speaking this way

walking this walk

living this life

loving this man

I’m not who you

think I am

I’m me

not this person

that you see

who is that

it isn’t me

brushing my hair

dressing my body

I am not there

you are not talking

to me

who is it?

oh my God…

.

it’s me

.

.

10/5/95

©Patti Keno

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folding inside of myself

i just want to be alone today

i just want to take it slow today

i want to fold in upon myself

i want to disappear

i don’t want this anymore

i don’t want this anymore

can’t you make it go away

i just want to cry today

i just want to scream today

all this aching is breaking me apart

inside

and i don’t want this anymore

can’t you see

i don’t want to be

the one who is left behind

the one who is all alone

I don’t want this anymore

can’t you take it away from me

but this is how it always is

and this is how it always will be

me waiting

waiting

waiting

waiting

waiting

waiting

waiting

waiting

for somebody to love me

for

somebody

to love

me

and

leave me

not

alone

.

 .

                                                                      8/12/02

                                                                         ©Patti Keno

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only

leave me bleed

and send me quake

only how I ache

only how

I

ache

.

tear me asunder

and bring on the rain

only how I ache

only how

I

ache

.

twitch me sorrow

and ignite my flame

only how I ache

only how

I

ache

.

only

how

i

ache

ache

i

how

only

only

only

.

.

                                                            01/23/15

                                                              ©Patti Keno

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swallow me

breaking into my silence

you steal away my soul

leaving me lonely and afraid

and out of control

aching I break

and fold in on myself

all alone I sink to

the floor

and still I ache

for more

kill me with your

words

swallow me with

your soul

swallow me whole

swallow

me

whole

.

.

.

                                                03/28/03

                                                  ©Patti Keno

                                                                                                               to: the caterpillar boy

 

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Success is not an option

 

just watch me glow

watch me spark

and fizzle out

watch me pound my

head against this

wall

the wall that

separates me

the wall that

shelters me

from the

real

from the

world

.

just watch me glow

watch me spark

and fizzle out

this fuse is

too wet to burn

properly

this heart is too

broken

this mind

too shattered

I can’t do this

I sabotage

myself every time

.

just watch me glow

watch me spark

and fizzle out

watch me

bleed

watch me break

and fall apart

I can’t do this

.

just watch me glow

watch me spark

and fizzle out

.

.

10/25/15

©Patti Keno

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baby steps

take it slow

one small triumph

at a time

baby steps

so no one will

see you fall

as you famously do

every time

you walk

.

close your eyes

just try to breathe

take it one step

at a time

baby steps

so no one will

see you trip

over your own

damn feet

.

like you

always do

.

like you

always do

.

baby steps

it will take

forever

but you’ll get

there

you’ll find

yourself at

the ledge

.

baby steps

to the edge

baby steps

you look down

baby steps

.

close your eyes

just try to breathe

as you jump

as you leap

a leap

of faith

why walk

when you were

meant to soar

.

.

11/14/15

©Patti Keno

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changed

I changed

myself to fit

you

and now I

cannot change

back

I shaped my

hips the

way you liked

them

and hid my

fangs so

I would

not bite

you

when we

kissed

I hid the

longing

deep, deep inside

afraid

that you

would

see my

heart and

run away

from

it

.

I changed

my tastes

so I wouldn’t

disgust

you

I changed

my name

so I wouldn’t

offend you

I changed

my face

and hair

to look

more like

her

in hopes

that

you could

love me

more

.

I changed

my clothes

so that

they would

reflect your

image

from every

angle

every side

every view

I hid my

likes so

you

wouldn’t

hate me

for my

opinion

I hid my

soul

so you

couldn’t

hurt me

for who I

was

.

I tried

to say

I loved

you

When I

hated all

you

made

me do

I changed

myself

to fit you

how can

I fit

anyone

else

.

I changed

the way

I looked

at you

so you

wouldn’t

see me

crying

I changed

the way

I touched

you so

I wouldn’t

hurt you

I changed

myself to

fit you

in everyway

I changed

.

I changed

my skin

so it would

accept your

touch

I changed

my knees

so they would

buckle

when you

pressed

against

my shoulder

.

I changed

the way

I looked

at life

so I could

live my

life for

you

I changed

my soul

to let you

in

I changed

my heart

to love you

.

I changed

myself

to fit

you

and you

left because

I wasn’t

me

I was

you

I changed

myself to

fit you

and now

I’m a

perfect

match

.

.

                                                                1/22/99

                                                                  ©Patti Keno

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I’m not finished yet

i dreamt; i saw
i came; i went
i bled; i cried
i jumped; i screamed
i lived; i died
i loved; i cared
i ran; i played
i gave; i shared
i left; i went
i ripped; i tore
i killed; i mended
.
still it wasn’t enough
still i want more
.
i ran; i skipped
i drove; i rode
i flew; i walked
i ate; i drank
i tasted; i felt
i saw; i heard
I FELT
i sang; i ached
I laughed; i cried
.
but it wasn’t enough
I STILL WANT MORE
one more day and it’s over
I used to tell myself that
one more day and I’ll be gone
but i never could do it
I thought I could
.
i thought; i analyzed
i mixed; i mingled
i flirted; i teased
i floated; i breezed
i tantalized; i broke
i cut; i cried
I cried
I cried
I cried
I cried
I cried
icried
icry
icry
icry
cry cry
cry
.
but it’s never enough
i can’t do enough
i can’t see enough
i can’t feel enough
i can’t want enough
i can’t hear enough
i can’t taste enough
i can’t smell enough
i can’t go now
I can’t
I’m not finished yet
.
I’ve lived and loved
for a quarter of a century
and still it isn’t enough
I WANT MORE
I can’t go now
I can’t
.
.
11/26/01

©Patti Keno

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empty hollow ache

empty hollow ache

washes over me again

empty hollow ache

fills me with dread again

.

I know where this leads

I know where this will take me

.

empty hollow ache

How much more of this can i take

empty hollow ache

how much more before i break

.

I try to push this away

I try to forget it all

.

empty hollow ache

mocking me

hounding me

taunting me

empty hollow ache

.

I know where this will lead me

I know which road to take

.

and so i go

for one more

sugar heartache

empty hollow ache

.

finally disappears

as i close my eyes

empty hollow ache

no more

until the morning

when i wake

.

I know where this leads me

I know where this takes me

.

empty hollow ache

.

5/9/01

©Patti Keno

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waiting

hi

it’s me again

I’m here waiting

once again

for all the things

that I lack

and all the things

that I can never

get back

waiting

like I always do

waiting

for you

or him or her

or she or he

or it or this or that

how can I stand

to wait this long

and what made me think

that every thing

will eventually fall in my lap

does the world revolve around me

and me alone?

NO

then why and I still here

waiting

like I always do

what made me think

that everything I desire

will fall into my lap

what made me think

that anything and everything

would come here to me as I wait

.

oh yeah:

“Good things come to those who wait.”

.

and so I wait

waiting still

like I always do

and I watch my dreams

sail further away

while I wait

for those good things

to come to me

.

.

                                                                    4/24/01

                                                                      ©Patti Keno

 

 

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