Invisible No More

my love affair with words

who is this?

who is this

that I am

it is not me

speaking this way

walking this walk

living this life

loving this man

I’m not who you

think I am

I’m me

not this person

that you see

who is that

it isn’t me

brushing my hair

dressing my body

I am not there

you are not talking

to me

who is it?

oh my God…

.

it’s me

.

.

10/5/95

©Patti Keno

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gender

I am woman

my feminine display

is carefully hidden

it’s tucked away

fearing innocence lost

hidden forever

what is the cost?

losing myself?

I’m already lost

moving onward

so afraid

never knowing exactly

where my innocence

is laid

moving onward

moving fast

knowing my innocence

my false masculinity

will

never

last

.

.

.

                                                            6/6/96

                                                                ©Patti Keno

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tidal wave

time

is a wasted thing

it is a meaningless

thing

it surges forward

relentlessly

and drowns us

in its wake

it leaves us breathless

and broken

washed upon the

shore

in a different place

in a different time

where we learn to

adapt

we heal

and begin to

live again

only to be swept

away

once again

by unforgiving

and relentless

time

.

.

                                                                        01/5/15

                                                                                ©Patti Keno

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please don’t

 

don’t

please don’t

I need this to

go my way

don’t ruin it

not now

I will not cry

I will not cry

I will not cry

.

stop

please stop

this isn’t how

this is supposed

to go

can’t you see

it’s killing me

I will not cry

I will not cry

I will not cry

.

wait

please wait

I didn’t mean

to make you

go

sometimes I’m

so me

I scare people

I WILL NOT CRY

I WILL NOT CRY

I WILL NOT CRY

but I

can’t

help

myself

.

and

I

cry

.

and

I

cry

.

.

                                                                        10/25/15

©Patti Keno

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Success is not an option

 

just watch me glow

watch me spark

and fizzle out

watch me pound my

head against this

wall

the wall that

separates me

the wall that

shelters me

from the

real

from the

world

.

just watch me glow

watch me spark

and fizzle out

this fuse is

too wet to burn

properly

this heart is too

broken

this mind

too shattered

I can’t do this

I sabotage

myself every time

.

just watch me glow

watch me spark

and fizzle out

watch me

bleed

watch me break

and fall apart

I can’t do this

.

just watch me glow

watch me spark

and fizzle out

.

.

10/25/15

©Patti Keno

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changed

I changed

myself to fit

you

and now I

cannot change

back

I shaped my

hips the

way you liked

them

and hid my

fangs so

I would

not bite

you

when we

kissed

I hid the

longing

deep, deep inside

afraid

that you

would

see my

heart and

run away

from

it

.

I changed

my tastes

so I wouldn’t

disgust

you

I changed

my name

so I wouldn’t

offend you

I changed

my face

and hair

to look

more like

her

in hopes

that

you could

love me

more

.

I changed

my clothes

so that

they would

reflect your

image

from every

angle

every side

every view

I hid my

likes so

you

wouldn’t

hate me

for my

opinion

I hid my

soul

so you

couldn’t

hurt me

for who I

was

.

I tried

to say

I loved

you

When I

hated all

you

made

me do

I changed

myself

to fit you

how can

I fit

anyone

else

.

I changed

the way

I looked

at you

so you

wouldn’t

see me

crying

I changed

the way

I touched

you so

I wouldn’t

hurt you

I changed

myself to

fit you

in everyway

I changed

.

I changed

my skin

so it would

accept your

touch

I changed

my knees

so they would

buckle

when you

pressed

against

my shoulder

.

I changed

the way

I looked

at life

so I could

live my

life for

you

I changed

my soul

to let you

in

I changed

my heart

to love you

.

I changed

myself

to fit

you

and you

left because

I wasn’t

me

I was

you

I changed

myself to

fit you

and now

I’m a

perfect

match

.

.

                                                                1/22/99

                                                                  ©Patti Keno

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I’m not finished yet

i dreamt; i saw
i came; i went
i bled; i cried
i jumped; i screamed
i lived; i died
i loved; i cared
i ran; i played
i gave; i shared
i left; i went
i ripped; i tore
i killed; i mended
.
still it wasn’t enough
still i want more
.
i ran; i skipped
i drove; i rode
i flew; i walked
i ate; i drank
i tasted; i felt
i saw; i heard
I FELT
i sang; i ached
I laughed; i cried
.
but it wasn’t enough
I STILL WANT MORE
one more day and it’s over
I used to tell myself that
one more day and I’ll be gone
but i never could do it
I thought I could
.
i thought; i analyzed
i mixed; i mingled
i flirted; i teased
i floated; i breezed
i tantalized; i broke
i cut; i cried
I cried
I cried
I cried
I cried
I cried
icried
icry
icry
icry
cry cry
cry
.
but it’s never enough
i can’t do enough
i can’t see enough
i can’t feel enough
i can’t want enough
i can’t hear enough
i can’t taste enough
i can’t smell enough
i can’t go now
I can’t
I’m not finished yet
.
I’ve lived and loved
for a quarter of a century
and still it isn’t enough
I WANT MORE
I can’t go now
I can’t
.
.
11/26/01

©Patti Keno

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waiting

hi

it’s me again

I’m here waiting

once again

for all the things

that I lack

and all the things

that I can never

get back

waiting

like I always do

waiting

for you

or him or her

or she or he

or it or this or that

how can I stand

to wait this long

and what made me think

that every thing

will eventually fall in my lap

does the world revolve around me

and me alone?

NO

then why and I still here

waiting

like I always do

what made me think

that everything I desire

will fall into my lap

what made me think

that anything and everything

would come here to me as I wait

.

oh yeah:

“Good things come to those who wait.”

.

and so I wait

waiting still

like I always do

and I watch my dreams

sail further away

while I wait

for those good things

to come to me

.

.

                                                                    4/24/01

                                                                      ©Patti Keno

 

 

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kick out the gloom

lost in the crowd

she moves on in silence

wondering who will see her

wondering who has the ability

to see the girl invisible to all

longing to be there

longing to be loved

she knows that she was never meant to be

maybe she was supposed to die

maybe no one will ever see her

maybe no one even cares

she opens her mouth and screams

and screams and screams

screaming she stands alone

she chased them all away

except for one boy

who is disappearing

a disappearing boy

he smiles at her as she stops her screaming

she smiles back her crooked smile

and finally realizes

she was never alone

she was

NEVER

ALONE

and there they still stand

hand in hand

the disappearing boy and the invisible girl

.

.

10/18/00

©Patti Keno

 to ‘the disappearing boy’ who i met in the ‘Kick Out the Gloom’ chat room and had the most wonderful and poetic email friendship with. Sadly, we lost contact a few years back, but i miss him horribly. I miss his words.

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cinnamon and icebergs

today i can feel you
i can smell you
your sweet cinnamon scent
i can taste you
taste the essence of you
with every bite
the smell of you
the taste of you
the touch of you
breaking through
the wall i built
around my broken
wounded heart
i see your
favorite book
i hear your favorite
band
i see visions of you
every where i look
and he reminds me of you
the things he does
the way he talks
and i hate him
i hate him
and i think
i might
hate
you
too
for leaving me
with your touch
leaving the taste of you
on my tongue
your hot kisses
burned into my lips
and i hate you
for leaving me
with the smell of you
cinnamon and icebergs
everywhere i go
everywhere i go
and i hate walking in there
the place you used to work
the people that you knew
staring at me
knowing what you did
how you left me
with only your touch
your smell
your taste
your hair
and all
ALL
of your
worldly possessions
now mine
i hate the smell
of cinnamon & ice bergs
i hate the smell
of you.

.

11/14/02
©Patti Keno

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