Invisible No More

my love affair with words

You won’t be alone forever

The hollow of his hands

The smoothness of his nails

The soft flesh above his eyes

His strong arms around me

His texture; It’s all so real

And I miss it

I miss all of this

As I sit and contemplate

 the emptiness of my own arms

I long to feel him there

I long to see him; to touch his hair

I lived my whole life with

This longing for the man with no face

I’ve felt my head against his chest

I’ve felt his finger on my lips and in my mouth

I’ve stared into his ocean-deep eyes

But never once saw his face

Every morning I wake more exhausted

Then when I fell asleep

I’ve spend the entire night

Trying to convince him to come to me

Begging… pleading…

Longing for him to follow me as I slip through

The Dreaming and wake alone once more.

I cry each morning, holding myself

Soon there will be nothing left

Of me to hold on too

Soon there will be nothing left of me.

He told me last night…

“you won’t be alone forever.”

But this waiting is tearing me apart inside

This raw nerve that rips open anew

Each time I see another couple

Together

Another couple in love.

It tears me apart inside that I cannot be

That I cannot be in love

I can only be alone.

4/2/01

©Patti Keno

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My self-made prison cell

this ache inside

for something new

it never fades

it never ebbs

it always stays

deep inside of my

heart

.

love

such a useless emotion

it only leads to pain

I’ve been burnt before

and nothing will

ever burn me again

 .

I push them away

SCARE them away

before they get too close

I can’t let them in

I can’t let them near

I don’t want them

hurting like I did

 .

I feign the search for

the ebon eyes that haunt

me in my dreams

but the loss of

self keeps me from reaching out

I’m too afraid of losing

the self I worked so hard to build

the self I worked so hard to reclaim

I can’t let them in

I can’t let them in

Even if it means that I can never get out

I never want to lose myself in someone else again

.

so I go

forever feigning interest

pain and jealousy

filling my very being

maybe it’s envy

not jealousy that I feel

a secret wish to be normal

to be more like them

in their perfect bliss

.

a hand and a sigh

lips meeting

touching

kissing

a hand and a sigh

they continue

and never notice my tears

too lost in their own desires

to ever notice me fading

slipping away

into another world

my imaginary world

where all my dreams come true

and there is always someone there

to hold me

always someone there

to love me

in a love beyond love

in a love beyond sex

in a love beyond this world

a love that only I can give myself

.

once again his ebon eyes

behold me and I cringe

in their wake

he knows that I am a coward

he knows that I’ve been weak

he smiles

and once again whispers out

his catch phrase:

“It’s not your time”

and he takes me in his arms once more

if I can’t be with him now

then I can at least enjoy him in my dreams

 .

because the loss of

self keeps me from reaching out

I’m too afraid of losing

the self I worked so hard to build

the self I worked so hard to reclaim

I can’t let them in

I can’t let them in

even if it means That I can never get out

 .

I can never get out

I will always be

on the inside looking

out

 .

.

                                                          4/24/01

©Patti Keno

2 Comments »

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