Invisible No More

my love affair with words

my tower

these words

my words

I say that I scream

them out

I say that I yell

them from the

mountain tops

but I don’t

I lied

what I really do

is hide

I hide away

in my tower

and write these

words

my words

on tiny pieces of

paper

tiny letters, tiny words

and then I fold

them

ever so gently

into cranes

tiny little origami

cranes

and I throw

them from my tower

in hopes that

they will fly

they are but paper

teeny tiny paper cranes

that pile around

the base of my tower

the base of my home

I have to find

a way

to make them

fly

I have to

stop

hiding in

this tower

and I have

to fly

.

I

have to

fly

.

.

                                    05/28/16

                                            ©Patti Keno

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starving

“I know what you’re

hungry for”

he says

with blood-shot eyes

and yellowed teeth

he stands before me

waiting

holding out a pen

“I know what you’re

hungry for”

he says

he wants me to begin

but he pulls the pen away

and I am left

to ache once

again

for the words

that never come

for the silence

that never goes

“Insomniac!”

he accuses and

laughs in my face

but still I cannot get close

I cannot begin

he waits for me

to stop him

he waits for

me to yell

but I am

alone and

voiceless

here in my

self-appointed hell

“heretic!”

he calls me

he knows that

I’m insane

he knows that

writing is

all I have

to ease this

precious

pain

still he does not

give up

still he does not

give in

when will he

ever let me

begin

                                                                        01/24/00

                                                                                 ©Patti Keno

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my words

my words

 

I am the angry

PoEt

with fire in

her eyes

I am the silent

girl

blue hair

blowing madly

in the wind

I stand before

you ready to

attack

I am the angry

pOeT

and I am never

coming back

I am the silent girl

who claims

she’s from Detroit

and worked here

for four years

I am the angry

 PoeT

who lies and lies

and lies

I am the angry

pOEt

and MY WORDS

WILL NEVER
DIE

                                                01/12/01

                                                      ©Patti Keno

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changed

I changed

myself to fit

you

and now I

cannot change

back

I shaped my

hips the

way you liked

them

and hid my

fangs so

I would

not bite

you

when we

kissed

I hid the

longing

deep, deep inside

afraid

that you

would

see my

heart and

run away

from

it

.

I changed

my tastes

so I wouldn’t

disgust

you

I changed

my name

so I wouldn’t

offend you

I changed

my face

and hair

to look

more like

her

in hopes

that

you could

love me

more

.

I changed

my clothes

so that

they would

reflect your

image

from every

angle

every side

every view

I hid my

likes so

you

wouldn’t

hate me

for my

opinion

I hid my

soul

so you

couldn’t

hurt me

for who I

was

.

I tried

to say

I loved

you

When I

hated all

you

made

me do

I changed

myself

to fit you

how can

I fit

anyone

else

.

I changed

the way

I looked

at you

so you

wouldn’t

see me

crying

I changed

the way

I touched

you so

I wouldn’t

hurt you

I changed

myself to

fit you

in everyway

I changed

.

I changed

my skin

so it would

accept your

touch

I changed

my knees

so they would

buckle

when you

pressed

against

my shoulder

.

I changed

the way

I looked

at life

so I could

live my

life for

you

I changed

my soul

to let you

in

I changed

my heart

to love you

.

I changed

myself

to fit

you

and you

left because

I wasn’t

me

I was

you

I changed

myself to

fit you

and now

I’m a

perfect

match

.

.

                                                                1/22/99

                                                                  ©Patti Keno

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pencils and pens

pencilsthese words written

with pencils and

pens

and

keystrokes

are who I am

they are my life

these words written

with pencils

and

pens

and

keystrokes

no one will ever

read

no one will ever

see

the true me

the one that lives

within

the one who hides

within

these words

written with

pencils and

pens

and

keystrokes

no one will

ever see

me

.

.

                                                                        10/10/15

                                                                              ©Patti Keno

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empty hollow ache

empty hollow ache

washes over me again

empty hollow ache

fills me with dread again

.

I know where this leads

I know where this will take me

.

empty hollow ache

How much more of this can i take

empty hollow ache

how much more before i break

.

I try to push this away

I try to forget it all

.

empty hollow ache

mocking me

hounding me

taunting me

empty hollow ache

.

I know where this will lead me

I know which road to take

.

and so i go

for one more

sugar heartache

empty hollow ache

.

finally disappears

as i close my eyes

empty hollow ache

no more

until the morning

when i wake

.

I know where this leads me

I know where this takes me

.

empty hollow ache

.

5/9/01

©Patti Keno

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yesterday was perfect

yesterday everything was perfect
everything was so clear
so heartbreakingly beautiful
the fog surrounded it all
it made it perfect
it made me perfect
and i loved it all
i was afraid i was going to die
i thought this must be
what it looks like
just before you die
that perfect fog
it threatened to swallow me
but created such beauty such clarity
maybe it’s the changing seasons
or maybe it’s something else
all i know
is that
yesterday
everything
was perfect
everything
was beautiful
yesterday everything was perfect
yesterday was beauty
perfect and clear
and i don’t
think it will
ever be that way again.

.
10/15/03

©Patti Keno

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Swing

If only I could close

my eyes

and see your face

again

If only I could call

your name

and feel your touch

once more

If only I could have

 known then

how much I would

miss you

how much I would

ache for you

Ache for the sound

of your voice

forever gone

If only I could

remember your touch

If only I could

remember anything

past the beginning

and before the end

If only I could

 remember

anything at all

If only I could

remember

you

and love you

then

like I love you

now

.

.

8/1/00

©Patti Keno

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into the arms of madness

this

this grinning madness

sits before me

and eggs me into complacency

this grinning madness

waits

patient and impatient

all at once

It angers me

with it’s laughter

with it’s sullen glares

and sudden movements

this grinning madness

waits to take me in it’s arms

into the arms of madness

all around me i hear noises

people pushing me closer

forcing me towards that goal

that grinning golem

forgotten idol, left for dead

this grinning madness

laughs

and

laughs

and

laughs

as i stumble

and fall into it’s

open arms

forever lost

in this grinning madness

.

9/18/01

©Patti Keno

.

If you’re looking for a book to read check out my novels….

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_10?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=patti+keno&sprefix=Patti+Keno%2Caps%2C163

 

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Who I Am. Part 2: meltdowns

A meltdown is when the emotions inside me built up to a point that I can no longer control them.  It usually happens when I am frustrated, scared, angry or if I perceive a threat (a threat to me could be someone telling me I did something wrong). When this happens words fill my head: things I want to say (but can’t), things you’ve just said to me.  These words fill my head until I can’t think anymore and they finally break free as tears.

I have only had five or six public meltdowns as an adult (that I can remember).  Most times I can feel it coming and remove myself from the situation or I can talk myself down: “You’re not going to cry. You’re not going to cry. You’re not going to cry.” I repeat that mantra until I eventually calm down or sometimes cry.  It seems like working with difficult bosses or people makes me more vulnerable to melt downs.

Like the one I had in the Meijer backroom when I worked there.  They manager would not let me go home after I hurt my knee (on the job, no less).  I was so angry and frustrated that I ended up hiding in the racks of shoes in the back room crying until my friend found me and asked me what’s wrong.  Most times I can get to a bathroom or any other hidden place and have it privately, but sometimes I can’t get away and I panic and say crazy things or do crazy things just to get away.

Like the time at the bookstore when my friend got fired, but I was her ride.  The manager told me to drive her home and come back to work.  My friend getting fired started the melt down, but this time I could actually get my words out and I told him. “Here’s the thing, I’ll take her home, but I’m not coming back. I QUIT!” He was upset, but what could he do to stop me.   That is when I uttered the hilarious and now famous (in my little circle of friends) words: “And I’m taking my Kleenex with me!” my friend and I stormed out Kleenex box in hand.  I knew I would need those Kleenex on the way home.

Back then I didn’t know what a “meltdown” was.  I always just thought everyone had these little insane attacks of not knowing what to say and crying for no apparent reason.  I didn’t know crying in front of people wasn’t “normal”.  Thinking back now I wonder what people must think when that happens.  Do they go home and tell their spouses.  “Hey I made a girl cry at work today.” to which there spouse would say. “How nice” and they would continue eating their meal.

Another not-so-hilarious meltdown occurred when I worked at Borders. (not to be confused with the bookstore mentioned earlier) I was older and medicated when this meltdown happened.  I was working the Info desk, I took a call and the customer was frustrated with me because I couldn’t hear what she was saying.  She said “Are you stupid? I said…” and repeated what she said which I still didn’t understand. (My hearing difficulties are much worse on the phone…no lips to read) to which I replied.  “Please Hold” Put her on hold and picked up the radio mic clipped to my lanyard. I asked if someone could please take the call on line one because I couldn’t understand her and she was a bitch.  (I had never swore on the floor at work and I was always extremely courteous to all the customers, so hearing me say that on the floor must have been a red flag for my coworkers)   I ran to the break room and threw myself on the couch in tears.  A manager got me and took me in the office to help me calm down.  (God, just writing about these experiences are making me teary eyed.)  The thing that calmed me down the most that time was when my friend James knocked on the door bringing me a Coke, to help me calm down.  He didn’t know it, but when I drink (Coke, water, anything) it helps me push the tears back, plus I thought it was really sweet of him. J

My meltdowns most of the time only involve crying.  Although sometimes (not as much as they used to) they involve self injury.  (Self injury meaning cutting, punching or biting myself) Most of that self injury occurred because I felt I was too stupid or not good enough or to punish myself for some wrong that mostly likely no one noticed anyway or because I was just plain angry. (That also leads to another long story about my self-injury or “cutting” problem which is a topic for another time. Don’t worry I haven’t cut myself in over 10 years)   I don’t know how to express anger.  I’m supposed to be working on that.  L  Although I do have my poetry and my journal entries, some of these are very anger-filled

 

The Hulk

 

There are walls

of silence that

surround me

that hold me

back

separate, apart

from my

future

walls of silence

that I cannot endure

walls of silence

that are

torturous

and too difficult

to bear

but I cannot

speak

the words

are choked

back in anger

shoved down

my throat

by silence

leaving my

soul raw

and

angry

a storehouse

of rage

lays there

deep inside

deep within

this

skin

a store-

house

of rage

that is

filling

fast

and when

it fills

and explodes

no one will

be safe

from my

wrath

for I am

like you

a beast

an animal

that cannot

control

my rage

I cannot

pull it

back

once it is

released

and like

the

Incredible

Hulk

you must

believe

me

when I say

don’t make me angry.
you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

.

                                                12/11/98

                                            ©Patti Keno

 

 

The quote was from The Incredible Hulk TV series which was my favorite show growing up until Quantum Leap came out then I was a Leap girl, but I NEVER lost my love for Bill Bixby & Lou Ferrigno, even though Lou made me cry at a Comic Con. (He told me it cost money to have my picture taken with him after I just spent all the money I had on an autographed head shot of him.)  Luckily my brother was there to talk me down from that meltdown. See that is what I mean something that little and insignificant sent me into a vortex of emotions.  I was angry; I was sad; I was disappointed; but because I don’t know how to express those emotions they just came out in tears. I have seen the Hulk inside of me though, she’s been out once or twice and she’s not pretty.

Another thing that causes meltdowns in me is routines and schedules.  I need to know what I’m doing every day before I do it.  I need a clear plan; a schedule for the day’s events and deviating from that schedule could be catastrophic. If you tell me we’re going to Applebee’s and then at the last minute decide to go somewhere else.  I ‘freak out’ (mostly I’ve learned to internalize the freak out which is probably not good, but at least I don’t get embarrassed for melting down in front of people) I’ve also learned over the years to have a contingency plan for restaurants.  I plan what I’m going to eat at each one that we could possibly go to that way it won’t be as bad if plans change.  Just watch out if God forbid the restaurant we finally decide to go to stops carrying my go-to-meal, it’s more devastating to me when that happens and therefore harder to control my melt down.

Another example of routine breaking caused meltdowns…. I had a boyfriend once who would constantly make plans with me and then not show up. Normally people would think how rude and feel slighted.  Not me I would be constantly peeking out the window “Is that him?  Is he here finally?” As the day progressed with no word I would get sadder and sadder until I finally broke down in tears.  I was sure that his not showing up meant it was over between us and he no longer wanted to be my boyfriend.  I wrote a poem about that. (I write poems about everything can you tell?)

.

Promises

 

desperate and aching

waiting and waiting

on tiptoes

I stare out

through the window

in the door

and wait

and watch

and hope

to see you there

.

desperate and aching

waiting and waiting

pacing the floor

wanting

waiting

you said

you’d be here

.

desperate and aching

waiting and waiting

I say my goodbyes

and fly into

my room

fall into my bed

and cover up my head

desperate and aching

waiting and waiting

waiting and waiting

waiting and waiting

crying and sobbing

stood up again

.

4/10/15

                                                                                              ©Patti Keno

 

Well that’s it for now stay tuned for the next installment of Who I Am coming soon.  In the meantime check out my books at

http://www.amazon.com/Patti-Keno/e/B00UB8EJJ4/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1441147153&sr=8-1

 
Don’t forget to read Who I Am part one…
https://pattikeno.wordpress.com/2015/07/17/who-i-am-part-1/?preview=true
©Patti Keno

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