2002 | Invisible No More

folding inside of myself

by pattikeno

i just want to be alone today

i just want to take it slow today

i want to fold in upon myself

i want to disappear

i don’t want this anymore

can’t you make it go away

i just want to cry today

i just want to scream today

all this aching is breaking me apart

inside

and i don’t want this anymore

can’t you see

i don’t want to be

the one who is left behind

the one who is all alone

I don’t want this anymore

can’t you take it away from me

but this is how it always is

and this is how it always will be

me waiting

waiting

for somebody to love me

for

somebody

to love

and

leave me

not

alone

8/12/02

©Patti Keno

2002 Patti Keno Poetry

1 Comment »

today i can feel you
i can smell you
your sweet cinnamon scent
i can taste you
taste the essence of you
with every bite
the smell of you
the taste of you
the touch of you
breaking through
the wall i built
around my broken
wounded heart
i see your
favorite book
i hear your favorite
band
i see visions of you
every where i look
and he reminds me of you
the things he does
the way he talks
and i hate him
i hate him
and i think
i might
hate
you
too
for leaving me
with your touch
leaving the taste of you
on my tongue
your hot kisses
burned into my lips
and i hate you
for leaving me
with the smell of you
cinnamon and icebergs
everywhere i go
everywhere i go
and i hate walking in there
the place you used to work
the people that you knew
staring at me
knowing what you did
how you left me
with only your touch
your smell
your taste
your hair
and all
ALL
of your
worldly possessions
now mine
i hate the smell
of cinnamon & ice bergs
i hate the smell
of you.

11/14/02
©Patti Keno

2002 Patti Keno Poetry the cinnamon boy writing

1 Comment »

silently disappear

by pattikeno

my love

how can you destroy

me so?

how can you let me

go?

and leave me here

in silence

how can you decide

to never speak

again

not a whim

not a whisper

of the way your

heart had turned

and I am left

here in silence

lying to myself

forcing myself to

believe that

it doesn’t hurt me

that it doesn’t make

me cry

you were my everything

and you never said goodbye

how could you destroy

me so?

09/25/02

©Patti Keno

2002 Patti Keno Poetry the cinnamon boy

here and now

by pattikeno

there was nothing left here
the well had long since dried
the words were all scattered
like feathers in the wind
scattered only to be collected again
there was nothing left inside of me
until you entered in
i had given up on everything
and i sat, just waiting to die
but now here i am outside
in the thick of it again
laughing, as i slip into
yet another new skin
moving into the distance
as the shell begins to harden
the outer layer crusting over
like a scab just beginning to heal
you gave me new life
a reason to begin
you helped me pick up the pieces
and lay them down again
with your magnetic presence
your omnipotent lust
you leapt ahead of me
leaving me behind in a trail of dust
surprisingly i followed you
and leapt off into the unknown
there is no future
there is no past
only Right here
Right now
everything else
means nothing
it’s only the here
and
its only the now

that matter anyway

5/02/02
©Patti Keno

for: the cinnamon boy

2002 Poetry the cinnamon boy

1 Comment »

Will you be my valentine?

by pattikeno

if I lay down my head

and close my eyes

maybe I won’t have to do this

maybe I won’t have to go through with it

it’s so funny

so ridiculously funny

that I cry and cry because I don’t have love

but then when the opportunity presents itself

I want to run away from it

and all I want to do right now

is cry

and cry

I’m so nervous

I’m so scared

I’m so giddy

what’s gonna happen?

who knows?

what if he never shows?

what if I don’t?

I can’t breathe anymore

my throat is closing up

it’s ok

relax

you’ve made it this far

don’t turn back

this may be it

you’ll never know until you try

02/14/02

©Patti Keno

To: the cinnamon boy

2002 Poetry the cinnamon boy

IV tube

by pattikeno

i’m still draining
and i bled for so long
but i think it’s finally gone
I think it’s finally done now
so just strap me up
and spread my legs
and tear out all my insides
more tests
more poking and prodding
only to find
there is nothing wrong
with me
more doctors with there
hands on my breasts
molesting
massaging
another deep tissue massage
another enema
filling me with barium
another ultrasound
to look at my useless ovaries
another radiation test
just set this building on fire
test me for drugs
i don’t take them
test me for aids
i might have it
stick in your needles
and take away my blood
there’s no way i will need it now
cause every hope i ever had
is wasted
every moment of my life
standing
naked
in front of men & women
in black gowns
holding me down
sticking there useless
probes under my skin
give me more pills
more medicines
you’ll never find the cause
you’ll never be able to stop
these symptoms
this pain in my stomach
this 20 day bleeding
why my knees always hurt
the headaches that plague me
like i’m being bludgeoned to death
these knives
this skin
get it out
get it out
this parasite
underneath my skin
it’s just my soul
trying to fit in.
trying to fit into
a body that was never
meant for me.