first love | Invisible No More

who is this?

by pattikeno

who is this

that I am

it is not me

speaking this way

walking this walk

living this life

loving this man

I’m not who you

think I am

I’m me

not this person

that you see

who is that

it isn’t me

brushing my hair

dressing my body

I am not there

you are not talking

to me

who is it?

oh my God…

it’s me

10/5/95

©Patti Keno

1995 Patti Keno Poetry the silent boy

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folding inside of myself

by pattikeno

i just want to be alone today

i just want to take it slow today

i want to fold in upon myself

i want to disappear

i don’t want this anymore

can’t you make it go away

i just want to cry today

i just want to scream today

all this aching is breaking me apart

inside

and i don’t want this anymore

can’t you see

i don’t want to be

the one who is left behind

the one who is all alone

I don’t want this anymore

can’t you take it away from me

but this is how it always is

and this is how it always will be

me waiting

waiting

for somebody to love me

for

somebody

to love

and

leave me

not

alone

8/12/02

©Patti Keno

2002 Patti Keno Poetry

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only

by pattikeno

leave me bleed

and send me quake

only how I ache

only how

ache

tear me asunder

and bring on the rain

only how I ache

only how

ache

twitch me sorrow

and ignite my flame

only how I ache

only how

ache

only

how

ache

how

only

01/23/15

©Patti Keno

2015 Patti Keno Poetry

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changed

by pattikeno

I changed

myself to fit

you

and now I

cannot change

back

I shaped my

hips the

way you liked

them

and hid my

fangs so

I would

not bite

you

when we

kissed

I hid the

longing

deep, deep inside

afraid

that you

would

see my

heart and

run away

from

I changed

my tastes

so I wouldn’t

disgust

you

I changed

my name

so I wouldn’t

offend you

I changed

my face

and hair

to look

more like

her

in hopes

that

you could

love me

I changed

my clothes

so that

they would

reflect your

image

from every

angle

every side

every view

I hid my

likes so

you

wouldn’t

hate me

for my

opinion

I hid my

soul

so you

couldn’t

hurt me

for who I

was

I tried

to say

I loved

you

When I

hated all

you

made

me do

I changed

myself

to fit you

how can

I fit

anyone

else

I changed

the way

I looked

at you

so you

wouldn’t

see me

crying

I changed

the way

I touched

you so

I wouldn’t

hurt you

I changed

myself to

fit you

in everyway

I changed

my skin

so it would

accept your

touch

I changed

my knees

so they would

buckle

when you

pressed

against

my shoulder

I changed

the way

I looked

at life

so I could

live my

life for

you

I changed

my soul

to let you

I changed

my heart

to love you

I changed

myself

to fit

you

and you

left because

I wasn’t

I was

you

I changed

myself to

fit you

and now

I’m a

perfect

match

1/22/99

©Patti Keno

1999 Patti Keno Poetry the silent boy

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waiting

by pattikeno

it’s me again

I’m here waiting

once again

for all the things

that I lack

and all the things

that I can never

get back

waiting

like I always do

waiting

for you

or him or her

or she or he

or it or this or that

how can I stand

to wait this long

and what made me think

that every thing

will eventually fall in my lap

does the world revolve around me

and me alone?

then why and I still here

waiting

like I always do

what made me think

that everything I desire

will fall into my lap

what made me think

that anything and everything

would come here to me as I wait

oh yeah:

“Good things come to those who wait.”

and so I wait

waiting still

like I always do

and I watch my dreams

sail further away

while I wait

for those good things

to come to me

4/24/01

©Patti Keno

2001 Patti Keno Poetry

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Swing

by pattikeno

If only I could close

my eyes

and see your face

again

If only I could call

your name

and feel your touch

once more

If only I could have

known then

how much I would

miss you

how much I would

ache for you

Ache for the sound

of your voice

forever gone

If only I could

remember your touch

If only I could

remember anything

past the beginning

and before the end

If only I could

remember

anything at all

If only I could

remember

you

and love you

then

like I love you

now

8/1/00

©Patti Keno

2000 Poetry the silent boy

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your arms

by pattikeno

I remember the nights

we spent awake

you held me in your arms

I remember thinking

“this is all I ever wanted”

“this is all I could have hoped for”

I remember snuggling deep

within your warmth

I remember the emptiness I felt

when you left

and I realize now

it’s your arms I miss the most

your strength and protection

your warmth

I don’t miss you

anymore

I only miss what we knew

those beautiful nights

we spent alone

holding each other

I miss your arms

I miss you holding me,

but I no longer miss you.

8/23/00

©Patti Keno

2000 Patti Keno Poetry the silent boy

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Oh the sweet caress
of last year’s dress
as it swirls and falls around my hips
a voice and a note
and we’re dancing again
just like last year
just like back then
one hand on my hip
and the other pressed to my neck
pulling me in
pulling me in
to feel last year’s kiss once more
Oh the sweet caress
of last years dress
as we live this day out once more
the satin sweet swirl
as you spin me around
spinning and spinning
until we fall to the ground
laughing and laughing
we lay
side by side
on last year’s soil
on last year’s earth
quietly you whisper
last year’s promises in my ear
quietly you whisper
words of forever love
“I’ll never leave you again”
you whisper
“never leave me again”
my response
and we twirl and we swirl
together as one
once more on last year’s night
Oh the sweet caress
of last year’s dress
as it’s satin falls around my hips
you caress me once more and kiss my lips
“See you next year.” you say
and wave a little goodbye
“next year” I whisper
in last year’s reply
“next year” I repeat
as you disappear
into last year’s morning light
.