Invisible No More

my love affair with words

Swing

If only I could close

my eyes

and see your face

again

If only I could call

your name

and feel your touch

once more

If only I could have

 known then

how much I would

miss you

how much I would

ache for you

Ache for the sound

of your voice

forever gone

If only I could

remember your touch

If only I could

remember anything

past the beginning

and before the end

If only I could

 remember

anything at all

If only I could

remember

you

and love you

then

like I love you

now

.

.

8/1/00

©Patti Keno

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silently disappear

my love

how can you destroy

me so?

how can you let me

go?

and leave me here

in silence

how can you decide

to never speak

again

not a whim

not a whisper

of the way your

heart had turned

and I am left

here in silence

lying to myself

forcing myself to

believe that

it doesn’t hurt me

that it doesn’t make

me cry

you were my everything

and you never said goodbye

how could you destroy

me so?

.

.

                                    09/25/02

                      ©Patti Keno

 

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Last Year’s Night

Oh the sweet caress
of last year’s dress
as it swirls and falls around my hips
a voice and a note
and we’re dancing again
just like last year
just like back then
one hand on my hip
and the other pressed to my neck
pulling me in
pulling me in
to feel last year’s kiss once more
Oh the sweet caress
of last years dress
as we live this day out once more
the satin sweet swirl
as you spin me around
spinning and spinning
until we fall to the ground
laughing and laughing
we lay
side by side
on last year’s soil
on last year’s earth
quietly you whisper
last year’s promises in my ear
quietly you whisper
words of forever love
“I’ll never leave you again”
you whisper
“never leave me again”
my response
and we twirl and we swirl
together as one
once more on last year’s night
Oh the sweet caress
of last year’s dress
as it’s satin falls around my hips
you caress me once more and kiss my lips
“See you next year.” you say
and wave a little goodbye
“next year” I whisper
in last year’s reply
“next year” I repeat
as you disappear
into last year’s morning light
.

.
11/2/01

©Patti Keno

If you’re looking for a book to read check out my novels….

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_10?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=patti+keno&sprefix=Patti+Keno%2Caps%2C163

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turn and run

turn your head

when I arrive

make like you

don’t see

why would you

want to see

little old me

why would you

want to

behold my face

turn away

scoff at my words

feign interest

then turn and

run

TURN

AND

RUN

I have nothing

of interest

nothing you want

to hear

I’m a broken soul

lost and afraid

no one wants

to see that

no one wants

to know

no one wants

what I’m giving

away for

free

no one

wants

ME

sinking in

to this old

familiar ache

I cry

and I wail

yet still you turn

tail

TURN

AND

RUN

I’m no good

I’m no fun

There’s nothing

to see

here

there’s no

reason to be

here

TURN

AND

RUN

It’s all they

ever do

TURN

AND

RUN
why should you

be any different

.

.

8/21/15

©Patti Keno

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ghost

I’m screaming

as loud as my

aching throat

will allow

please see me

why can’t anyone

see me

maybe I’m not

invisible

maybe I’m a

ghost

maybe I don’t

exist

maybe I’m real

maybe I am

and nobody

cares

NOBODY

CARES!

No one wants to touch me

who would dare

to try and touch

the girl who is not there

I don’t exist

I am not real

I am not here

If I was

you’d see me

If I was

I wouldn’t

be

so alone

I wouldn’t

be so

utterly

alone

and

lost

left behind

lost

and

left

behind

I am

a

 ghost

how else

would

you

explain

my words

that fall

constantly

on

deaf

ears

I don’t

exist

I don’t

.

.

8/21/15

                          ©Patti Keno

 

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funny

It’s funny how these

words flow so

freely from

my pen

and write the things

I long to say

and write the things

I didn’t know

I wanted

to say

They break free

these feelings boiling

deep down inside of me

deep down

where I shove all

my pain

where I shove all

my rage

all my loneliness

all my desire

it bubbles up in

tiny poems

that spread across

the page

that fill notebooks

upon notebooks

it’s funny how these

words flow

so freely

from

my pen

when my words

get stuck in
my throat

when I try

to speak

and choke

me til

I bleed

it’s funny

how I can write

the words

that I  can

 never

 say

.

                                                                                                                             8/21/15

©Patti Keno

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Who I am. part 1

I have something different about me, but my difference is invisible.  You wouldn’t see it unless you know why I’m pulling my wrists or biting my fingers (Actually I’m pulling my jaw, but to you it probably looks like I’m biting all my fingers at once).

Wait, let me start this off by saying I have never been diagnosed with Asperger’s or any other Autism related disorder.  In fact when I brought it up with my (ex)therapist.  He laughed (at me? or because he doesn’t believe in Autism?) and basically guaranteed that I did not have Asperger’s, but what that man didn’t understand is I’ve had 39 years to learn to adapt to this world and hide my tics, my meltdowns, my obsessions and other quirks.

My nephew was diagnosed as PDD-NOS, but at first we thought it was Asperger’s and the more we researched Asperger’s syndrome the more I recognized the traits in myself, I saw in myself so many traits of an Aspie.  With this blog, I’m not trying to convince anyone that I have this condition, because honestly I don’t know if I do or not.  What I hope to accomplish is to give you a glimpse into the mind of someone who may (or may not) have Asperger’s Syndrome.

I was taught when I was very young that I needed to look people in their eyes when I talk to them.  I remember very specifically my mom sitting me on her lap and telling me to look her in the eyes.  (Of course she was trying to catch me in a lie at the time.  I frequently took the fall for my Brother and Sister when I was little.  They would pay me for it. “I’ll give you a dollar if you say you did it.”) I learned from that experience what was expected when talking to someone.

Most of the time I try to stare at people’s mouths, my sensory processing disorder (also never been diagnosed) makes it hard for me to understand what people are saying.  One of my friends explained it as I hear what people say then I have to translate it into Patti Language before I can understand it. Sometimes I have to repeat the sounds I heard in my head a dozen or so times before it gets translated. So if I look lost or bored I’m probably just lost in translation. 🙂   Reading peoples lips helps, plus it’s a good way to avoid eye contact in a somewhat socially acceptable way.  Once I was at a Halloween party and I wasn’t wearing my glasses and I realized I couldn’t hear what people across the room were saying to me when I put my glasses back on I heard them better.  That is when I realized I subconsciously read people’s lips.

Accents are very hard for me to process, two examples:  I was visiting Tennessee with my Aunt, Uncle and 2 cousins.  I had painted my nails purple awhile before the trip so as always (it seems) my polish was chipped and only on the bottom of my fingernails.  A woman looked at it and said “Did you mash your thumb?” with a very heavy southern accent.  I literally was at a loss.  I had no idea what the woman asked me, but she was waiting for an answer I just stood there staring at her until my uncle translated, “She wants to know if you hurt your thumb.” I just said “nail polish” and wiggled my fingers at her.  I was so embarrassed that I could not figure out what she said it just sounded like DIDYAMASHYATHUMB.

The other incident is somewhat funnier; mom and I laugh about it a lot.  My pediatrician was a lovely Thai woman (she actually saved my life when I was 3, but that’s a story for another time) who at the time had a pretty heavy accent, but I was used it because I knew her and most times I could understand her. This time was different; she used a word that I didn’t quite know yet.  She said “I need to get a urine specimen.”  I’d probably heard the words urine and specimen before, but it wasn’t something used in everyday conversation. So I said “What?” and she said “I need to get a urine specimen,” so I said “What?” and she repeated it. It probably happened 5 times before my mom finally yelled “GO PEE IN A CUP!” That was much less embarrassing than the DIDYAMASHYATHUMB incident, because we were all laughing about it. Now, I think of that every time I have to give a urine sample.

DIDYAMASHYATHUMB. If you look at that word and have trouble finding where all the spaces go, that’s how I hear.  I have to match word sounds with words I’ve heard before.  If I’m bored or tired I just nod and smile, sometimes it’s just too hard to translate what people say to me, sometimes it’s just not ever worth the effort.

If you’ve ever seen me singing along with the songs on the radio, I don’t actually sing the words (unless I know the song really well) I just sing the sounds. For example in Portishead’s Roads she sings “from this moment, how can it feel this” I know those words so I sing them, but until I wrote this blog I never knew that the next word is “wrong” I always just made the sound RA.  LOL How can it feel this RA.

Because I don’t always sing actual words I frequently sing instrumental solos too especially guitar solos.  My friend Carrie always gets a kick out of that.

 

stay tuned for part 2.

You can purchase my novel A Murder of One at:

http://www.amazon.com/Murder-One-Patti-Keno/dp/0692388338/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1437168287&sr=8-1&keywords=patti+Keno

AMOO_lg

and Stay tuned for my latest novel Shattered Souls coming soon!!!

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pieces

pieces of me
scattered
strewn about
dust covered
water stained
teeny tiny
little pieces
scattered
strewn about
lying in repose
and here I sit
aching this
old
familiar ache
longing
longing for someone
anyone
to help me
help me
pick up the
pieces
pieces of
me
teeny tiny
me

.

.

                                                   7/11/15

                                                    ©Patti Keno

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Light and Run

Light and Run

 

The air around us is thick with

gun powder

The overhead hanging of clouds only

makes the reports louder

I long to be with you

but I am stuck here again

with nothing to do

I long to see your face

shadowed with the pretty lights

It makes me forget the hatred

forget the fights

I miss you I say as I light

and run

It flares up bright as the sun

And I think of you and

your gentle laughter

I’d always dreaded what

came after

The sparks die down and

fizzle out

I miss you without a doubt

7-4-94

©Patti Keno

Dedicated to the man I never knew.

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A Murder of One

Don’t forget to order your copy of my book A Murder of One​
It’s available now on Amazon, paperback and Kindle versions available. Or Contact me for an autographed copy. There is an excerpt from my next book tentatively titled: Shattered with a hopeful end of May release date.
http://www.amazon.com/A-Murder-One-Patti-Keno/dp/0692388338/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1430244059&sr=1-1

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