Invisible No More

my love affair with words

starving

“I know what you’re

hungry for”

he says

with blood-shot eyes

and yellowed teeth

he stands before me

waiting

holding out a pen

“I know what you’re

hungry for”

he says

he wants me to begin

but he pulls the pen away

and I am left

to ache once

again

for the words

that never come

for the silence

that never goes

“Insomniac!”

he accuses and

laughs in my face

but still I cannot get close

I cannot begin

he waits for me

to stop him

he waits for

me to yell

but I am

alone and

voiceless

here in my

self-appointed hell

“heretic!”

he calls me

he knows that

I’m insane

he knows that

writing is

all I have

to ease this

precious

pain

still he does not

give up

still he does not

give in

when will he

ever let me

begin

                                                                        01/24/00

                                                                                 ©Patti Keno

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swallow me

breaking into my silence

you steal away my soul

leaving me lonely and afraid

and out of control

aching I break

and fold in on myself

all alone I sink to

the floor

and still I ache

for more

kill me with your

words

swallow me with

your soul

swallow me whole

swallow

me

whole

.

.

.

                                                03/28/03

                                                  ©Patti Keno

                                                                                                               to: the caterpillar boy

 

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my words

my words

 

I am the angry

PoEt

with fire in

her eyes

I am the silent

girl

blue hair

blowing madly

in the wind

I stand before

you ready to

attack

I am the angry

pOeT

and I am never

coming back

I am the silent girl

who claims

she’s from Detroit

and worked here

for four years

I am the angry

 PoeT

who lies and lies

and lies

I am the angry

pOEt

and MY WORDS

WILL NEVER
DIE

                                                01/12/01

                                                      ©Patti Keno

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please don’t

 

don’t

please don’t

I need this to

go my way

don’t ruin it

not now

I will not cry

I will not cry

I will not cry

.

stop

please stop

this isn’t how

this is supposed

to go

can’t you see

it’s killing me

I will not cry

I will not cry

I will not cry

.

wait

please wait

I didn’t mean

to make you

go

sometimes I’m

so me

I scare people

I WILL NOT CRY

I WILL NOT CRY

I WILL NOT CRY

but I

can’t

help

myself

.

and

I

cry

.

and

I

cry

.

.

                                                                        10/25/15

©Patti Keno

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Success is not an option

 

just watch me glow

watch me spark

and fizzle out

watch me pound my

head against this

wall

the wall that

separates me

the wall that

shelters me

from the

real

from the

world

.

just watch me glow

watch me spark

and fizzle out

this fuse is

too wet to burn

properly

this heart is too

broken

this mind

too shattered

I can’t do this

I sabotage

myself every time

.

just watch me glow

watch me spark

and fizzle out

watch me

bleed

watch me break

and fall apart

I can’t do this

.

just watch me glow

watch me spark

and fizzle out

.

.

10/25/15

©Patti Keno

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baby steps

take it slow

one small triumph

at a time

baby steps

so no one will

see you fall

as you famously do

every time

you walk

.

close your eyes

just try to breathe

take it one step

at a time

baby steps

so no one will

see you trip

over your own

damn feet

.

like you

always do

.

like you

always do

.

baby steps

it will take

forever

but you’ll get

there

you’ll find

yourself at

the ledge

.

baby steps

to the edge

baby steps

you look down

baby steps

.

close your eyes

just try to breathe

as you jump

as you leap

a leap

of faith

why walk

when you were

meant to soar

.

.

11/14/15

©Patti Keno

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changed

I changed

myself to fit

you

and now I

cannot change

back

I shaped my

hips the

way you liked

them

and hid my

fangs so

I would

not bite

you

when we

kissed

I hid the

longing

deep, deep inside

afraid

that you

would

see my

heart and

run away

from

it

.

I changed

my tastes

so I wouldn’t

disgust

you

I changed

my name

so I wouldn’t

offend you

I changed

my face

and hair

to look

more like

her

in hopes

that

you could

love me

more

.

I changed

my clothes

so that

they would

reflect your

image

from every

angle

every side

every view

I hid my

likes so

you

wouldn’t

hate me

for my

opinion

I hid my

soul

so you

couldn’t

hurt me

for who I

was

.

I tried

to say

I loved

you

When I

hated all

you

made

me do

I changed

myself

to fit you

how can

I fit

anyone

else

.

I changed

the way

I looked

at you

so you

wouldn’t

see me

crying

I changed

the way

I touched

you so

I wouldn’t

hurt you

I changed

myself to

fit you

in everyway

I changed

.

I changed

my skin

so it would

accept your

touch

I changed

my knees

so they would

buckle

when you

pressed

against

my shoulder

.

I changed

the way

I looked

at life

so I could

live my

life for

you

I changed

my soul

to let you

in

I changed

my heart

to love you

.

I changed

myself

to fit

you

and you

left because

I wasn’t

me

I was

you

I changed

myself to

fit you

and now

I’m a

perfect

match

.

.

                                                                1/22/99

                                                                  ©Patti Keno

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I’m not finished yet

i dreamt; i saw
i came; i went
i bled; i cried
i jumped; i screamed
i lived; i died
i loved; i cared
i ran; i played
i gave; i shared
i left; i went
i ripped; i tore
i killed; i mended
.
still it wasn’t enough
still i want more
.
i ran; i skipped
i drove; i rode
i flew; i walked
i ate; i drank
i tasted; i felt
i saw; i heard
I FELT
i sang; i ached
I laughed; i cried
.
but it wasn’t enough
I STILL WANT MORE
one more day and it’s over
I used to tell myself that
one more day and I’ll be gone
but i never could do it
I thought I could
.
i thought; i analyzed
i mixed; i mingled
i flirted; i teased
i floated; i breezed
i tantalized; i broke
i cut; i cried
I cried
I cried
I cried
I cried
I cried
icried
icry
icry
icry
cry cry
cry
.
but it’s never enough
i can’t do enough
i can’t see enough
i can’t feel enough
i can’t want enough
i can’t hear enough
i can’t taste enough
i can’t smell enough
i can’t go now
I can’t
I’m not finished yet
.
I’ve lived and loved
for a quarter of a century
and still it isn’t enough
I WANT MORE
I can’t go now
I can’t
.
.
11/26/01

©Patti Keno

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pencils and pens

pencilsthese words written

with pencils and

pens

and

keystrokes

are who I am

they are my life

these words written

with pencils

and

pens

and

keystrokes

no one will ever

read

no one will ever

see

the true me

the one that lives

within

the one who hides

within

these words

written with

pencils and

pens

and

keystrokes

no one will

ever see

me

.

.

                                                                        10/10/15

                                                                              ©Patti Keno

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empty hollow ache

empty hollow ache

washes over me again

empty hollow ache

fills me with dread again

.

I know where this leads

I know where this will take me

.

empty hollow ache

How much more of this can i take

empty hollow ache

how much more before i break

.

I try to push this away

I try to forget it all

.

empty hollow ache

mocking me

hounding me

taunting me

empty hollow ache

.

I know where this will lead me

I know which road to take

.

and so i go

for one more

sugar heartache

empty hollow ache

.

finally disappears

as i close my eyes

empty hollow ache

no more

until the morning

when i wake

.

I know where this leads me

I know where this takes me

.

empty hollow ache

.

5/9/01

©Patti Keno

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