Invisible No More

my love affair with words

kick out the gloom

lost in the crowd

she moves on in silence

wondering who will see her

wondering who has the ability

to see the girl invisible to all

longing to be there

longing to be loved

she knows that she was never meant to be

maybe she was supposed to die

maybe no one will ever see her

maybe no one even cares

she opens her mouth and screams

and screams and screams

screaming she stands alone

she chased them all away

except for one boy

who is disappearing

a disappearing boy

he smiles at her as she stops her screaming

she smiles back her crooked smile

and finally realizes

she was never alone

she was

NEVER

ALONE

and there they still stand

hand in hand

the disappearing boy and the invisible girl

.

.

10/18/00

©Patti Keno

 to ‘the disappearing boy’ who i met in the ‘Kick Out the Gloom’ chat room and had the most wonderful and poetic email friendship with. Sadly, we lost contact a few years back, but i miss him horribly. I miss his words.

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yesterday was perfect

yesterday everything was perfect
everything was so clear
so heartbreakingly beautiful
the fog surrounded it all
it made it perfect
it made me perfect
and i loved it all
i was afraid i was going to die
i thought this must be
what it looks like
just before you die
that perfect fog
it threatened to swallow me
but created such beauty such clarity
maybe it’s the changing seasons
or maybe it’s something else
all i know
is that
yesterday
everything
was perfect
everything
was beautiful
yesterday everything was perfect
yesterday was beauty
perfect and clear
and i don’t
think it will
ever be that way again.

.
10/15/03

©Patti Keno

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cinnamon and icebergs

today i can feel you
i can smell you
your sweet cinnamon scent
i can taste you
taste the essence of you
with every bite
the smell of you
the taste of you
the touch of you
breaking through
the wall i built
around my broken
wounded heart
i see your
favorite book
i hear your favorite
band
i see visions of you
every where i look
and he reminds me of you
the things he does
the way he talks
and i hate him
i hate him
and i think
i might
hate
you
too
for leaving me
with your touch
leaving the taste of you
on my tongue
your hot kisses
burned into my lips
and i hate you
for leaving me
with the smell of you
cinnamon and icebergs
everywhere i go
everywhere i go
and i hate walking in there
the place you used to work
the people that you knew
staring at me
knowing what you did
how you left me
with only your touch
your smell
your taste
your hair
and all
ALL
of your
worldly possessions
now mine
i hate the smell
of cinnamon & ice bergs
i hate the smell
of you.

.

11/14/02
©Patti Keno

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last month

last month never happened

i need to go back and fix it

i missed a whole month while sleeping

the days just seemed to slip away

they broke against the shore

and i never saw them again

last month crashed and sank into the ocean

just like my heart

it was left behind

and now i’ll never know

and nothing will ever show

all that i have missed

in that one missing month

last month has disappeared again

just like they always do

until i’m back here again

wondering what i did last month

.

.

9/5/01

©Patti Keno

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your arms

I remember the nights

we spent awake

you held me in your arms

I remember thinking

“this is all I ever wanted”

“this is all I could have hoped for”

I remember snuggling deep

within your warmth

I remember the emptiness I felt

when you left

and I realize now

it’s your arms I miss the most

your strength and protection

your warmth

I don’t miss you

anymore

I only miss what we knew

those beautiful nights

we spent alone

holding each other

I miss your arms

I miss you holding me,

but I no longer miss you.

.

.

                                                                                    8/23/00

©Patti Keno

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silently disappear

my love

how can you destroy

me so?

how can you let me

go?

and leave me here

in silence

how can you decide

to never speak

again

not a whim

not a whisper

of the way your

heart had turned

and I am left

here in silence

lying to myself

forcing myself to

believe that

it doesn’t hurt me

that it doesn’t make

me cry

you were my everything

and you never said goodbye

how could you destroy

me so?

.

.

                                    09/25/02

                      ©Patti Keno

 

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Who I Am. Part 2: meltdowns

A meltdown is when the emotions inside me built up to a point that I can no longer control them.  It usually happens when I am frustrated, scared, angry or if I perceive a threat (a threat to me could be someone telling me I did something wrong). When this happens words fill my head: things I want to say (but can’t), things you’ve just said to me.  These words fill my head until I can’t think anymore and they finally break free as tears.

I have only had five or six public meltdowns as an adult (that I can remember).  Most times I can feel it coming and remove myself from the situation or I can talk myself down: “You’re not going to cry. You’re not going to cry. You’re not going to cry.” I repeat that mantra until I eventually calm down or sometimes cry.  It seems like working with difficult bosses or people makes me more vulnerable to melt downs.

Like the one I had in the Meijer backroom when I worked there.  They manager would not let me go home after I hurt my knee (on the job, no less).  I was so angry and frustrated that I ended up hiding in the racks of shoes in the back room crying until my friend found me and asked me what’s wrong.  Most times I can get to a bathroom or any other hidden place and have it privately, but sometimes I can’t get away and I panic and say crazy things or do crazy things just to get away.

Like the time at the bookstore when my friend got fired, but I was her ride.  The manager told me to drive her home and come back to work.  My friend getting fired started the melt down, but this time I could actually get my words out and I told him. “Here’s the thing, I’ll take her home, but I’m not coming back. I QUIT!” He was upset, but what could he do to stop me.   That is when I uttered the hilarious and now famous (in my little circle of friends) words: “And I’m taking my Kleenex with me!” my friend and I stormed out Kleenex box in hand.  I knew I would need those Kleenex on the way home.

Back then I didn’t know what a “meltdown” was.  I always just thought everyone had these little insane attacks of not knowing what to say and crying for no apparent reason.  I didn’t know crying in front of people wasn’t “normal”.  Thinking back now I wonder what people must think when that happens.  Do they go home and tell their spouses.  “Hey I made a girl cry at work today.” to which there spouse would say. “How nice” and they would continue eating their meal.

Another not-so-hilarious meltdown occurred when I worked at Borders. (not to be confused with the bookstore mentioned earlier) I was older and medicated when this meltdown happened.  I was working the Info desk, I took a call and the customer was frustrated with me because I couldn’t hear what she was saying.  She said “Are you stupid? I said…” and repeated what she said which I still didn’t understand. (My hearing difficulties are much worse on the phone…no lips to read) to which I replied.  “Please Hold” Put her on hold and picked up the radio mic clipped to my lanyard. I asked if someone could please take the call on line one because I couldn’t understand her and she was a bitch.  (I had never swore on the floor at work and I was always extremely courteous to all the customers, so hearing me say that on the floor must have been a red flag for my coworkers)   I ran to the break room and threw myself on the couch in tears.  A manager got me and took me in the office to help me calm down.  (God, just writing about these experiences are making me teary eyed.)  The thing that calmed me down the most that time was when my friend James knocked on the door bringing me a Coke, to help me calm down.  He didn’t know it, but when I drink (Coke, water, anything) it helps me push the tears back, plus I thought it was really sweet of him. J

My meltdowns most of the time only involve crying.  Although sometimes (not as much as they used to) they involve self injury.  (Self injury meaning cutting, punching or biting myself) Most of that self injury occurred because I felt I was too stupid or not good enough or to punish myself for some wrong that mostly likely no one noticed anyway or because I was just plain angry. (That also leads to another long story about my self-injury or “cutting” problem which is a topic for another time. Don’t worry I haven’t cut myself in over 10 years)   I don’t know how to express anger.  I’m supposed to be working on that.  L  Although I do have my poetry and my journal entries, some of these are very anger-filled

 

The Hulk

 

There are walls

of silence that

surround me

that hold me

back

separate, apart

from my

future

walls of silence

that I cannot endure

walls of silence

that are

torturous

and too difficult

to bear

but I cannot

speak

the words

are choked

back in anger

shoved down

my throat

by silence

leaving my

soul raw

and

angry

a storehouse

of rage

lays there

deep inside

deep within

this

skin

a store-

house

of rage

that is

filling

fast

and when

it fills

and explodes

no one will

be safe

from my

wrath

for I am

like you

a beast

an animal

that cannot

control

my rage

I cannot

pull it

back

once it is

released

and like

the

Incredible

Hulk

you must

believe

me

when I say

don’t make me angry.
you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

.

                                                12/11/98

                                            ©Patti Keno

 

 

The quote was from The Incredible Hulk TV series which was my favorite show growing up until Quantum Leap came out then I was a Leap girl, but I NEVER lost my love for Bill Bixby & Lou Ferrigno, even though Lou made me cry at a Comic Con. (He told me it cost money to have my picture taken with him after I just spent all the money I had on an autographed head shot of him.)  Luckily my brother was there to talk me down from that meltdown. See that is what I mean something that little and insignificant sent me into a vortex of emotions.  I was angry; I was sad; I was disappointed; but because I don’t know how to express those emotions they just came out in tears. I have seen the Hulk inside of me though, she’s been out once or twice and she’s not pretty.

Another thing that causes meltdowns in me is routines and schedules.  I need to know what I’m doing every day before I do it.  I need a clear plan; a schedule for the day’s events and deviating from that schedule could be catastrophic. If you tell me we’re going to Applebee’s and then at the last minute decide to go somewhere else.  I ‘freak out’ (mostly I’ve learned to internalize the freak out which is probably not good, but at least I don’t get embarrassed for melting down in front of people) I’ve also learned over the years to have a contingency plan for restaurants.  I plan what I’m going to eat at each one that we could possibly go to that way it won’t be as bad if plans change.  Just watch out if God forbid the restaurant we finally decide to go to stops carrying my go-to-meal, it’s more devastating to me when that happens and therefore harder to control my melt down.

Another example of routine breaking caused meltdowns…. I had a boyfriend once who would constantly make plans with me and then not show up. Normally people would think how rude and feel slighted.  Not me I would be constantly peeking out the window “Is that him?  Is he here finally?” As the day progressed with no word I would get sadder and sadder until I finally broke down in tears.  I was sure that his not showing up meant it was over between us and he no longer wanted to be my boyfriend.  I wrote a poem about that. (I write poems about everything can you tell?)

.

Promises

 

desperate and aching

waiting and waiting

on tiptoes

I stare out

through the window

in the door

and wait

and watch

and hope

to see you there

.

desperate and aching

waiting and waiting

pacing the floor

wanting

waiting

you said

you’d be here

.

desperate and aching

waiting and waiting

I say my goodbyes

and fly into

my room

fall into my bed

and cover up my head

desperate and aching

waiting and waiting

waiting and waiting

waiting and waiting

crying and sobbing

stood up again

.

4/10/15

                                                                                              ©Patti Keno

 

Well that’s it for now stay tuned for the next installment of Who I Am coming soon.  In the meantime check out my books at

http://www.amazon.com/Patti-Keno/e/B00UB8EJJ4/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1441147153&sr=8-1

 
Don’t forget to read Who I Am part one…
https://pattikeno.wordpress.com/2015/07/17/who-i-am-part-1/?preview=true
©Patti Keno

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turn and run

turn your head

when I arrive

make like you

don’t see

why would you

want to see

little old me

why would you

want to

behold my face

turn away

scoff at my words

feign interest

then turn and

run

TURN

AND

RUN

I have nothing

of interest

nothing you want

to hear

I’m a broken soul

lost and afraid

no one wants

to see that

no one wants

to know

no one wants

what I’m giving

away for

free

no one

wants

ME

sinking in

to this old

familiar ache

I cry

and I wail

yet still you turn

tail

TURN

AND

RUN

I’m no good

I’m no fun

There’s nothing

to see

here

there’s no

reason to be

here

TURN

AND

RUN

It’s all they

ever do

TURN

AND

RUN
why should you

be any different

.

.

8/21/15

©Patti Keno

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ghost

I’m screaming

as loud as my

aching throat

will allow

please see me

why can’t anyone

see me

maybe I’m not

invisible

maybe I’m a

ghost

maybe I don’t

exist

maybe I’m real

maybe I am

and nobody

cares

NOBODY

CARES!

No one wants to touch me

who would dare

to try and touch

the girl who is not there

I don’t exist

I am not real

I am not here

If I was

you’d see me

If I was

I wouldn’t

be

so alone

I wouldn’t

be so

utterly

alone

and

lost

left behind

lost

and

left

behind

I am

a

 ghost

how else

would

you

explain

my words

that fall

constantly

on

deaf

ears

I don’t

exist

I don’t

.

.

8/21/15

                          ©Patti Keno

 

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funny

It’s funny how these

words flow so

freely from

my pen

and write the things

I long to say

and write the things

I didn’t know

I wanted

to say

They break free

these feelings boiling

deep down inside of me

deep down

where I shove all

my pain

where I shove all

my rage

all my loneliness

all my desire

it bubbles up in

tiny poems

that spread across

the page

that fill notebooks

upon notebooks

it’s funny how these

words flow

so freely

from

my pen

when my words

get stuck in
my throat

when I try

to speak

and choke

me til

I bleed

it’s funny

how I can write

the words

that I  can

 never

 say

.

                                                                                                                             8/21/15

©Patti Keno

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