vunerability | Invisible No More

Sideshow

by pattikeno

I belong in a circus, in the sideshow

“Step right up! See the blue haired girl! Silent Patti from Detroit!

She never speaks! The only one in existence!”

I belong in there, not out here with you

The shiest girl with the hottest man

It doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t seem fair.

I belong in the freak show, standing next

to the two-headed goat

“Step right up! See the purple haired girl! Silent Patti from Detroit!

She never speaks! The only one in existence!”

That’s how I feel

I shouldn’t be here with you

I shouldn’t be anywhere, but locked away

in a cage at the sideshow

at the freak show

Where only the creeps want to hit on me

I belong in there

because that’s where I belong

“Step right up! See the green haired girl! Silent Patti from Detroit!

She never speaks! The only one in existence!”

8/17/00

©Patti Keno

2000 Poetry

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that which…

by pattikeno

that which…

that which is empty and

clean and dry

that which…

that which is aching

inside of me

that which

I tried to see that which

lies within

but it’s too expensive to

see

that which…

that which is hidden

inside of me

remains hidden

forever

that which…

that which I hold so

dear is lost

that which…

that which forever

tears me apart inside

remains hidden

that which

10-25-95

©Patti Keno

1995 Poetry the longing hand

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Swirling around me
they giggle and point
and laugh at my hair
as i am trapped
in my cage
behind all the faces
all the porcelain eyes
that seem to protect me
but expose me at the same
time
.
they move around my cage
threatening me
with their questions
their longing stares
no no
not me
I’m not the puppet master
no no
not me
I don’t control the strings
I’m just Pinnochio
a wooden boy
waiting to be real
hoping to be real
one day
.
I sit in my cage
and hope you don’t see
me
hidden behind my fears
hidden behind
these eyes
that protect me
but scare me all at once
.

11/9/01
©Patti Keno

2001 Poetry

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IV tube

by pattikeno

i’m still draining
and i bled for so long
but i think it’s finally gone
I think it’s finally done now
so just strap me up
and spread my legs
and tear out all my insides
more tests
more poking and prodding
only to find
there is nothing wrong
with me
more doctors with there
hands on my breasts
molesting
massaging
another deep tissue massage
another enema
filling me with barium
another ultrasound
to look at my useless ovaries
another radiation test
just set this building on fire
test me for drugs
i don’t take them
test me for aids
i might have it
stick in your needles
and take away my blood
there’s no way i will need it now
cause every hope i ever had
is wasted
every moment of my life
standing
naked
in front of men & women
in black gowns
holding me down
sticking there useless
probes under my skin
give me more pills
more medicines
you’ll never find the cause
you’ll never be able to stop
these symptoms
this pain in my stomach
this 20 day bleeding
why my knees always hurt
the headaches that plague me
like i’m being bludgeoned to death
these knives
this skin
get it out
get it out
this parasite
underneath my skin
it’s just my soul
trying to fit in.
trying to fit into
a body that was never
meant for me.

11/21/02
pik

©Patti Keno

2002 Poetry

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~@$@~ ELEMENT 5 ~@$@~

by pattikeno

i’m so cold

I cry

and cling

to you

needing your

warmth

wanting your

touch

longing for

your arms

around me

but you stand

before me

in ignorance

not seeing

my teeth

as they

chatter violently

i’m cold

make me warm

I beg you

looking at the

warm layers

of clothing

You are wearing

you look at

me, but

you don’t seem

to notice

my tee-shirt

and jeans

my cold

apparel

i cry

and cling

to you

needing your

warmth

wanting your

touch

longing for

your arms

around me

you look

at me

as if i’m

some kind

of child

annoying you

with questions

of life

you stand

ignorant

of me

of my

cramping muscles

of my

chattering teeth

of my

freezing bones

HOLD ME!

I Scream

but as your

arms enclose

I finally

realize

you’re the

one

who’s making

me cold

–

12/8/98

pik

©Patti Keno

Poetry the silent boy

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heat

by pattikeno

I wait here in this
heat
so silent so
unbearable
I wait and
I retract
I recoil
I step back
you stifle me
with your eyes
speechless
i lose everything
i worked
so hard
to gain
I try to contain
to elliviate
the ache
this silence
that echoes past
my refrain
and ends well into
my chorus
I wait
I retract
I dissolve
I disappear
waiting here
for you

5.17.01
Pik

©Patti Keno

2001 Poetry the silent boy

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and you are…

by pattikeno

and you are moving too fast
you silence my heart
from crying out
and you are moving too hard
I can’t feel my feet
the night is so cold
and you are breaking me down
bending me in two
swallowing my heart
and you are taking it all away
leaving me with nothing
I’m not ready to be alone
and you are leaving me again
the same as before
just like everyone
just like
everyone
and you are leaving without
a single word
you are gone
and you are gone
and you are gone
and you are gone
and you are gone
and you are gone
and you are gone
and you are gone

and
you
are
gone

pik
2/13/03

©Patti Keno

2003 Poetry the cinnamon boy the silent boy

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and

by pattikeno

eyes are burning

from the endless

nights

laying awake

–

and waiting

–

I am filled

with desire

for something

unknown

–

and unwanted

–

I ache

alone

filled with

remorse

–

and regret

–

I long and

I long

with this

intense desire

–

and wanton lust

–

I long for

something

anything

that can put out

–

this

fire

–

but I never

know what

it is I ache

for

–

3/6/00

pik

©Patti Keno

2000 Poetry the longing hand

1 Comment »

reduce me

by pattikeno

you take me and reduce me with your eyes
you diminish my soul with one single look
one glance from you and my life is over
my life is meaningless

you make me feel that i am drowning
in the looks that you give to me
and i am reduced to nothing
and life is meaningless

and now you’re gone and i am alone
and there’s nothing left to live for
and without you i am nothing
i am reduced to nothing
and life is meaningless

with you i am reduced
without you i am reduced
you reduce me
and my life is meaningless
with you
and my life is meaningless
without you

you reduce me

10/10/02

©Patti Keno

2002 Poetry the cinnamon boy

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Hair Cut

by pattikeno

This desperate desire
for something more
than what is
for something more then what was
taking your hand
and grasping that chunk of hair
that you cut
thinking of all the days it knew
you rub your head
so short now
your head so light
should be easier to think
but then the headache sets in
and you lose your concentration
you lose the silence you
tried to commit to memory
and the voices close in
and the memories rise
to swallow you
in a volcano of emotion
leaving behind nothing
but ash
nothing but a hollow hole
where you once stood
Vesuvius all over again
volcanic eruptions swallow you
in their hot molten lava flow
and you are burnt
nothing but ashes
nothing but ashes and hair