Invisible No More

my love affair with words

your arms

I remember the nights

we spent awake

you held me in your arms

I remember thinking

“this is all I ever wanted”

“this is all I could have hoped for”

I remember snuggling deep

within your warmth

I remember the emptiness I felt

when you left

and I realize now

it’s your arms I miss the most

your strength and protection

your warmth

I don’t miss you


I only miss what we knew

those beautiful nights

we spent alone

holding each other

I miss your arms

I miss you holding me,

but I no longer miss you.




©Patti Keno

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Last Year’s Night

Oh the sweet caress
of last year’s dress
as it swirls and falls around my hips
a voice and a note
and we’re dancing again
just like last year
just like back then
one hand on my hip
and the other pressed to my neck
pulling me in
pulling me in
to feel last year’s kiss once more
Oh the sweet caress
of last years dress
as we live this day out once more
the satin sweet swirl
as you spin me around
spinning and spinning
until we fall to the ground
laughing and laughing
we lay
side by side
on last year’s soil
on last year’s earth
quietly you whisper
last year’s promises in my ear
quietly you whisper
words of forever love
“I’ll never leave you again”
you whisper
“never leave me again”
my response
and we twirl and we swirl
together as one
once more on last year’s night
Oh the sweet caress
of last year’s dress
as it’s satin falls around my hips
you caress me once more and kiss my lips
“See you next year.” you say
and wave a little goodbye
“next year” I whisper
in last year’s reply
“next year” I repeat
as you disappear
into last year’s morning light


©Patti Keno

If you’re looking for a book to read check out my novels….

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I’m screaming

as loud as my

aching throat

will allow

please see me

why can’t anyone

see me

maybe I’m not


maybe I’m a


maybe I don’t


maybe I’m real

maybe I am

and nobody




No one wants to touch me

who would dare

to try and touch

the girl who is not there

I don’t exist

I am not real

I am not here

If I was

you’d see me

If I was

I wouldn’t


so alone

I wouldn’t

be so





left behind





I am



how else




my words

that fall





I don’t


I don’t




                          ©Patti Keno


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Who I am. part 1

I have something different about me, but my difference is invisible.  You wouldn’t see it unless you know why I’m pulling my wrists or biting my fingers (Actually I’m pulling my jaw, but to you it probably looks like I’m biting all my fingers at once).

Wait, let me start this off by saying I have never been diagnosed with Asperger’s or any other Autism related disorder.  In fact when I brought it up with my (ex)therapist.  He laughed (at me? or because he doesn’t believe in Autism?) and basically guaranteed that I did not have Asperger’s, but what that man didn’t understand is I’ve had 39 years to learn to adapt to this world and hide my tics, my meltdowns, my obsessions and other quirks.

My nephew was diagnosed as PDD-NOS, but at first we thought it was Asperger’s and the more we researched Asperger’s syndrome the more I recognized the traits in myself, I saw in myself so many traits of an Aspie.  With this blog, I’m not trying to convince anyone that I have this condition, because honestly I don’t know if I do or not.  What I hope to accomplish is to give you a glimpse into the mind of someone who may (or may not) have Asperger’s Syndrome.

I was taught when I was very young that I needed to look people in their eyes when I talk to them.  I remember very specifically my mom sitting me on her lap and telling me to look her in the eyes.  (Of course she was trying to catch me in a lie at the time.  I frequently took the fall for my Brother and Sister when I was little.  They would pay me for it. “I’ll give you a dollar if you say you did it.”) I learned from that experience what was expected when talking to someone.

Most of the time I try to stare at people’s mouths, my sensory processing disorder (also never been diagnosed) makes it hard for me to understand what people are saying.  One of my friends explained it as I hear what people say then I have to translate it into Patti Language before I can understand it. Sometimes I have to repeat the sounds I heard in my head a dozen or so times before it gets translated. So if I look lost or bored I’m probably just lost in translation. 🙂   Reading peoples lips helps, plus it’s a good way to avoid eye contact in a somewhat socially acceptable way.  Once I was at a Halloween party and I wasn’t wearing my glasses and I realized I couldn’t hear what people across the room were saying to me when I put my glasses back on I heard them better.  That is when I realized I subconsciously read people’s lips.

Accents are very hard for me to process, two examples:  I was visiting Tennessee with my Aunt, Uncle and 2 cousins.  I had painted my nails purple awhile before the trip so as always (it seems) my polish was chipped and only on the bottom of my fingernails.  A woman looked at it and said “Did you mash your thumb?” with a very heavy southern accent.  I literally was at a loss.  I had no idea what the woman asked me, but she was waiting for an answer I just stood there staring at her until my uncle translated, “She wants to know if you hurt your thumb.” I just said “nail polish” and wiggled my fingers at her.  I was so embarrassed that I could not figure out what she said it just sounded like DIDYAMASHYATHUMB.

The other incident is somewhat funnier; mom and I laugh about it a lot.  My pediatrician was a lovely Thai woman (she actually saved my life when I was 3, but that’s a story for another time) who at the time had a pretty heavy accent, but I was used it because I knew her and most times I could understand her. This time was different; she used a word that I didn’t quite know yet.  She said “I need to get a urine specimen.”  I’d probably heard the words urine and specimen before, but it wasn’t something used in everyday conversation. So I said “What?” and she said “I need to get a urine specimen,” so I said “What?” and she repeated it. It probably happened 5 times before my mom finally yelled “GO PEE IN A CUP!” That was much less embarrassing than the DIDYAMASHYATHUMB incident, because we were all laughing about it. Now, I think of that every time I have to give a urine sample.

DIDYAMASHYATHUMB. If you look at that word and have trouble finding where all the spaces go, that’s how I hear.  I have to match word sounds with words I’ve heard before.  If I’m bored or tired I just nod and smile, sometimes it’s just too hard to translate what people say to me, sometimes it’s just not ever worth the effort.

If you’ve ever seen me singing along with the songs on the radio, I don’t actually sing the words (unless I know the song really well) I just sing the sounds. For example in Portishead’s Roads she sings “from this moment, how can it feel this” I know those words so I sing them, but until I wrote this blog I never knew that the next word is “wrong” I always just made the sound RA.  LOL How can it feel this RA.

Because I don’t always sing actual words I frequently sing instrumental solos too especially guitar solos.  My friend Carrie always gets a kick out of that.


stay tuned for part 2.

You can purchase my novel A Murder of One at:


and Stay tuned for my latest novel Shattered Souls coming soon!!!

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those words

and the way  you

say them

make me feel

stupid and useless

and I hate it

I’m not like



so quit trying

to change


I will never

fit in

to your cookie



so why do you

even try

those words

and the way

you say


cut me in two

leaving me bleeding

and restless

I will never be


so quit trying

to make




those words

and the way

in which you

say them

leave me aching

and breaking

down in despair


I am not


I am not


I am not



I am



and I





                                                              ©Patti Keno

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pieces of me
strewn about
dust covered
water stained
teeny tiny
little pieces
strewn about
lying in repose
and here I sit
aching this
familiar ache
longing for someone
to help me
help me
pick up the
pieces of
teeny tiny




                                                    ©Patti Keno

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my choice


somehow I turn from you

and find myself longing

even more

for the touch of you

the feel of you

somehow I pull myself away

I pull myself apart

and ache

for the softness of your skin

the depth of your hand

the silence of your indignation

I ache in despair

at feelings

not there

feelings I feel

but you never will

I can fuss and scream

and ache and bawl

but there will never

be anything

between us

nothing but

the casual glance

of a lonesome friend

and the distance

so aching and vast

so desperate

so alone

I wait

for you

for anyone

to stop my


to end me


                                                                                           ©Patti Keno

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Light and Run

Light and Run


The air around us is thick with

gun powder

The overhead hanging of clouds only

makes the reports louder

I long to be with you

but I am stuck here again

with nothing to do

I long to see your face

shadowed with the pretty lights

It makes me forget the hatred

forget the fights

I miss you I say as I light

and run

It flares up bright as the sun

And I think of you and

your gentle laughter

I’d always dreaded what

came after

The sparks die down and

fizzle out

I miss you without a doubt


©Patti Keno

Dedicated to the man I never knew.

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tiny poems from my past

These poems are from 93-96



No one wants to touch me

Who would dare

To try and

Touch the girl

Who is not there



I kiss your lips

with cold


I kiss your lips

with sweet


I kiss your lips

and linger


I kiss your lips

and long

for forgiveness


Here I am

Dressed in red

Aimed to please

Am I dead,

or just losing my memories


Not dead,

just slowly dying

eyes are red

from all this crying


all poems ©Patti Keno


Don’t Forget!

If you enjoy reading my poetry, you’ll find more poems in my novel:  A Murder of One

Here’s an excerpt:

               “Are you sure that you’re ready to do this?” the tender voice beside his ear inquired.

David nodded.  “It’s the ‘anniversary’.  I can’t not do this, so I guess I have to be ready,” he replied under his breath.

“I can’t believe it’s been almost 20 years,” the voice whispered.

“Neither can I,” David agreed.  “Time just flies, so quickly now, back then it seemed to drag on forever.”  He shivered as a sudden breeze whipped through the cold January air.

“Are you cold?” the voice asked.  David nodded and adjusted the collar of his green jacket.  “I’m sorry you had to go through everything alone,” the voice said sadly.

“No, I was never alone, not ever!” David argued, smiling shyly, letting the voice know that he wasn’t angry.

“I guess this means it’s time for me to go then,” the voice whispered through what could have been tears.

David flinched.  He knew this day was coming, but he still wasn’t prepared for it.  “I know,” he mumbled through his own fresh tears.

“I love you, Pez,” the voice whispered tenderly.

“I love you too, Wolf.  And thank you… for everything,” David whispered into the emptiness of the cemetery that he was standing in.

“No Pez, thank you,” Wolf replied. David felt a kiss placed gently upon his lips, but he saw nothing.  “Good-bye, Pez,” the voice whispered, next to his ear again.

“Good-bye, Wolf,” David whispered, choking back tears.  “Wolf, WAIT!” he cried out fearfully.  “Wolf?  Are you still there?” he inquired softly into the early morning breeze.

“Yes,” he heard Wolf’s voice answer.

“Will I ever see you again?” David asked, tears flowing freely now.

“Of course you will,” Wolf’s voice answered affectionately.  The air in front of David began to shimmer; something was beginning to take shape.  A vision of Wolf slowly appeared within the shimmering air.  “But it probably won’t be for a very long time,” the spirit explained to him, smiling sadly.  David tried to suppress a sob at the beauty of the spirit’s smile, but he failed miserably.

The spirit’s smile turned into a look of concern.  “Don’t cry, David,” Wolf pleaded, shaking his head.  David lost it even more when Wolf used his real name instead of the nickname he had been given in high school.

Wolf smiled again; a sad sweet smile that made David melt inside.  He was sure he would never forget the feeling that the smile caused.  “Don’t worry.  We’ll still have our dreams,” he whispered, leaning forward and placing another cold airy kiss on David’s lips.  “See you around, Love,” Wolf whispered softly.

David nodded and watched as Wolf walked away from him through the cemetery.  He lowered his head and wiped his tears away.  He lifted his head for one final glimpse of his dead love, but sadly Wolf was gone.

David inhaled a shaky breath trying to fight back the tears again.  In a way this was harder to deal with than when Wolf had actually died, almost twenty years ago to this very day.

“Goodbye, Wolf,” David replied softly.  He watched as his breath floated away in clouds and disappeared shortly after, just like Wolf had done.  ‘Nothing ever stays the same,’ David thought.  He wiped his tears away and looked once more at the empty spot where he had last seen Wolf.  Even though it hurt him deep inside, he still felt a small bit of relief as he finally let go of the ghost that had been with him for so long.  Finally, he took a deep mournful breath and turned his back on his pain.  He forced himself to walk towards Wolf’s final resting place.

As he approached the grave, he noticed there was someone standing next to it.  The person standing there looked a lot like Wolf’s sister, Diamond.  He sighed.  He had finally said goodbye to one sibling and now the other sibling was going to haunt him?

Seeing the girl standing there reminded him of the years he spent in the institution.  It was a long time ago now, but he still remembered the years of hearing voices and seeing visions of things real and unreal… natural and supernatural.  He spent most of his time in there trying to learn what was real (even if some people didn’t believe him) and what was only in his head.

As he moved forward towards the headstones he knew that this girl was definitely not only in his head.  She was as real as the spirit of her brother had been only a few moments ago, perhaps even more real than he was, if that was possible.  The closer he got, the more he convinced himself that the person standing just between Diamond and Wolf’s graves… was Diamond; or her spirit anyway.

“Diamond?” he called out to the girl.

She whipped around, startled.  “PEZ!!!” the girl screamed, overjoyed at seeing him.

“Diamond?” he asked again.  It seemed as if Diamond was only slightly older then she had been when she died.

“No, silly!  It’s me,” She clarified laughing.  “Mokey,” she prompted, noticing his bewildered expression.

Recognition finally spread across David’s face in the form of a smile.  “MOKEY!” he yelled, running over to Wolf and Diamond’s (still living) younger sister.  He picked her up in a bear hug and spun her around.

“Jesus, PEZ!” she screamed, smiling.  “Put me down!” she said through her laughter.

“I’m sorry it’s just so good to see you,” David exclaimed, smiling the biggest smile he’d smiled in a long time.

“I know.  You too,” she replied.  “I like your hair.  It’s so… short.  I almost didn’t recognize you.”

David ran his hair through his freshly cut hair.  “Seriously?  Do you like it?” he asked nervously.  He couldn’t remember ever having short hair, not even when he was little.

“I do, Pez.  I really do,” she replied, smiling brightly.  “You’ve changed so much,” she praised.  “You’re looking good, really good!” she added, afraid he would take her statement the wrong way.

“Me?” David exclaimed in surprise.  “Look at you!  The last time I saw you… you were this high!” he said, holding his hand up to his stomach.  “Now you’re a beautiful young woman.”

Mokey blushed furiously.  “I wasn’t beautiful before?” she asked jokingly, catching David off guard.

“Yeah, you were, but you were just a k-kid then,” he stammered out.

“I was just joking,” she informed him.  Before David knew what was happening she threw her arms around his neck.  Once he recovered from the shock of her sudden display of affection, he wrapped his arms around her waist.

“I’m sorry for startling you.  It’s just so good to see you again,” she whispered, her voice sounding almost like Wolf’s.  He longed for it to be Wolf’s breath that brushed softly against his neck as she spoke.

“You too,” he replied, barely restraining the tears.  He pressed his lips together tightly to stop the tears from coming once more.

It felt wonderful to have someone’s arms around him again.  It felt even better to feel loved again.  He had shut himself off from the world for too long and the rush of feelings he got just from one little hug was almost too much for him to handle.  He sobbed once, but no tears came.

Mokey pulled back to look at him.  He nodded at her and pushed his tears away.  He hugged her tightly again, not quite ready to let go of her yet.  Mokey understood and began gently stroking his back in a sympathetic gesture.

“How long has it been?” he asked.  He couldn’t remember when he had last seen her.

“Quite a while,” she whispered hoarsely.  “Since…” She stopped talking and choked back a sob of her own.  “…the funerals,” she finished.

“Uh-uhn, before that,” he corrected, shaking his head.  He pulled back to look into her eyes.  “I couldn’t go…  I was ‘in custody’.  They wouldn’t let me go to the funer…”  He broke off before he could finish.  “I couldn’t go.  I couldn’t even say goodbye!” he uttered desperately, losing control over his tears.  Mokey cried harder with his words.  He pressed his face back into her shoulder.

“I’m so sorry,”  she choked out.  Together they stood hugging and crying on each other’s shoulders.  After a couple moments of tears, Mokey pulled away from David.  She wiped his tears away with her scarf, and then she used it to wipe her own tears away.  “We don’t want to get frozen like that, do we?” she asked, smiling a quirky smile that was so unlike either of her siblings.  David found himself trying to imitate it.

“What?”  Mokey asked nervously laughing a little, blushing at the way David was smiling at her.  The smile looked entirely different on him then it did on her.  He vowed to himself never to try to smile like her again.  No smile could even come close to that smile.

He couldn’t help staring at her in wonder at how closely she resembled her sister.

“You just look so much…” David began, but Mokey cut him off.

“Like Diamond,” she finished, rolling her eyes.  “I know…  It’s really hard on my parents.  They are so overprotective of me now.  I told them I was thinking about getting my ears pierced and they totally freaked.  They said they didn’t want me to end up pierced all over like Diamond was.  She had what, like eight piercings, or something?”

“It was more like fifteen,” David corrected.

Mokey continued as if she hadn’t heard him.   “I couldn’t even go to school dances.  I had to tell them I was going to the library,” she laughed.

“We used to tell our parents we were going to school dances when we would go to raves,” David enlightened her, smirking slyly.

“That explains that then,” she exclaimed, happy to finally understand the mystery of her parent’s strange complex.  “They didn’t want me to get into drugs or parties or anything.  They didn’t want me to end up dead or crazy like y…,” Mokey cut herself off and bit her bottom lip.  She looked away from him, embarrassed by her babbling.  “Their words, not mine,” she said quietly in her own defense.

David knew she was going to say ‘like you’.  He was quite sure that he was the star of an urban legend in these parts.  All sorts of parents probably lectured their children: ‘Stay away from drugs or you could end up in the loony bin just like that Spencer boy or worse, you could end up dead just like all his friends.’  Yep, that was him; a walking, talking PSA.  Why didn’t the judge tell him to do that?  He gladly would have done any amount of public service announcements if it had eased his guilt.  It probably wouldn’t have though, nothing else did.

“Have you gone home yet?” Mokey asked, changing the subject as she slowly composed herself.

“Not yet.  I’m not quite sure I’m ready for that,” David replied, as fat snowflakes began to fall around them.

“Does your mom even know you’re back?” Mokey asked.

David chewed at his bottom lip and shook his head.  He took his arms from around her waist.  Smiling madly, he threw back his head and stuck out his tongue, determined to catch a snowflake on it.   Mokey laughed and did the same.

When David was successful at catching one, he looked back at Mokey and continued speaking, as if they hadn’t stopped.  “My flight landed and when I hit the bathroom I saw myself in the mirror and realized that I looked like a bum.  I thought maybe it was time for a new look, so I found a barber shop.”  He paused rubbing the back of his neatly shaven neck again.  “It was so long, they cut over eight inches off.”  He smiled and dug his hand into his pocket.  He pulled out the tail of hair he had kept from the barber shop.  “I feel weird without it.  Weird and cold,” he laughed.

“Do you mind… Can I have some of it, to remind me of Wolf?” Mokey asked softly, afraid he would say no.  David grabbed a small chunk and pulled it out of the rubber band.  He held it out to her.  She smiled gratefully.  She started to braid it as David finished his run down of his morning so far.

“Then I came straight here.”  He kicked at the duffel bag that he dropped when he had picked her up and spun her around.  “I had to… It’s the anniversary of their deaths,” he said, gesturing to Wolf and Diamond’s headstones.

“Actually, it’s tomorrow,” she corrected him.

“Yeah, but today is my bir… today is the day it started.”

“Happy birthday,” she whispered sadly.

“Yeah, exactly… Happy birthday,” he replied, his eyes took on a glassy look.

“Pez, are you OK?” Mokey asked softly.

David nodded, fresh tears streaming down his face.  He shivered as the wind blew across his bare neck.  He pulled his scarf up higher.

“Do you come here often?” she asked.  “I never see you.”

“No, this is the first time I’ve been back to Emmerdale since I… entered the institute.  Once I got out I couldn’t bring myself to come back, then I got the scholarship and found myself on a lecturing tour.  I guess I’ve been stalling coming home.  Emmerdale was not a kind place to me.”

“Do you think maybe…” Mokey began, but then paused.  “Can you tell me what it was like?”  She asked.

“The accident?” David asked.

“No, afterwards, your…,” Mokey stopped at a loss for words.

“My downfall?  My disintegration?  My descent into madness?” David asked laughing, but also quite serious.

Mokey nodded.  “Do you want to go get some coffee or something and talk about it maybe?” she asked shyly, staring at the ground in front of her feet.

David nodded.  “Sure. I think I’m finally ready to talk about it now,” he replied, just as shyly.  This would be the first time he told his story to anyone.

“I know the perfect place.  That is if you’re up for a bit of a walk,” she offered.

“That sounds great, but um… Can you give me a minute alone?”  He pointed at the headstones.

“Sure… yeah… oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to… hog all your time,” she apologized nervously.

“It’s OK, don’t worry about it.  I’m just glad to see a familiar face.”  He smiled, hoping that she didn’t realize he meant he was glad to see Diamond’s face again.

“I’ll be over there.”  She pointed to a large urn shaped headstone.

“Thanks,” David said nodding.  “I won’t be long.”

“Take your time, I’m in no hurry,” Mokey replied as she turned and walked away.

David sat down on the ground between Wolf and Diamond’s graves.  He was glad that none of the recent snows had stuck.  He wondered how many times in the past he had sat in this spot between his two best friends.

“I’m doing like you said, Wolf,” he whispered softly. “I am starting over… wiping the slate clean.”  He paused, pulling the tail of hair from his pocket again.  He separated it in half and tucked the rubber-banded chunk back into his pocket.  “I cut off all of my hair so that I could bury that part of myself here with my best friends.”  He took a small, newly purchased switchblade out of his pocket and used it to break into the partially frozen ground.  “I guess I could have done this in the summer time,” he said, laughing as he finally dug deep enough to place the hair in the ground.

He stood up and wiped off his hands.  He stepped on the ground to pack the dirt in around the hair.

“I love you,” he said, running his hand across Wolf’s headstone.  He turned and wiped away a tear.  “Goodbye, guys,” he whispered to the headstones.  David picked up his duffle bag and swung it over his shoulder.  He walked over to Mokey.

“You ready?” she asked.  David nodded and they began to walk out of the cemetery together.

Mokey linked her arm in his and sighed.  David smiled, even though his body flinched.  This felt more intimate to him than when they had hugged.  “Sorry, I’m just not used to this much closeness,” he remarked.

“I don’t have to,” Mokey said, beginning to pull her arm away.

“No, it’s cool, I missed it,” he said, grabbing her hand before it could slip away.

Mokey smiled in surprise when David continued to hold onto her hand.  They walked together, Mokey leading as David stared down at her hand.  He was so much like a child to Mokey; even though he was eight years older than her.  She remembered the crush she used to have on him. Her face flushed as all the old feelings came rushing back.  She realized what those feelings were now.  Hero worship… she worshipped him… had always worshipped him.  She was glad that he was still examining her hand and couldn’t see her face redden ever so slightly.

A thought occurred to her as they walked.  A thought that intrigued her but frightened her at the same time.  A rumor had gone around town after Pez had been sent away.  It spread quickly and loudly like most rumors do in small towns.  People said that Pez could see ghosts.  They said that he could talk to them and that is the reason why he had to be institutionalized.

“Pez, can you really see ghosts?” she asked quietly before she lost her nerve.  She wanted to ask him if he could see one ghost in particular, but she couldn’t seem to bring up her brother’s name.

“David, please.  Call me David.  Pez is… dead,” he requested softly, with tears in his voice.  He would have to expect to hear that name more often now that he was home.  It was going to be very hard to try and break people of the habit of calling him the name he’d had since high school.

“Well, can you?” she prompted after he didn’t answer right away.

He shrugged as they crossed the street.  “Sometimes,” he mumbled in reply.  He didn’t want her to think he was crazy, but chances were she already did.

He looked up as they reached the café, but Mokey sensed he wasn’t quite looking at the café.  In a way he wasn’t.  He was seeing the café not as it was now, but as it had been almost 20 years ago.

“I know this place,” David stated.  “The name is different, but this is the café where we used to hang out.”

“My boyfriend and I love coming here,” Mokey declared.

The café was definitely different than the one that David and his friends had loved.  His café was a large open place with lots of soft, mismatched couches.  Now, the large open space had been divided into small rooms.  It made the interior look smaller, and somehow even cozier.

“What is this place?” he asked as he noticed something that looked like a gift shop, over by the counter.  His eyes focused on a sign that read: “Mercury is currently in retrograde.”

“It’s a psychic coffee shop.  I hope you don’t mind.  I think it’s nice here.”  She paused, thrown off by his reaction.  “We could go somewhere else,” she suggested.

“No, I like it.”  David laughed.  “It’s oddly fitting.  Maybe I can schedule a lecture here.”

“Maybe you can rent a room… if you still see ghosts.”  Mokey smiled.

David stared at her blankly.  “You do know what I do for a living now, right?”

“No, people don’t talk about you like they used to,” she laughed.

“I’m a psychic medium.  I lecture, give classes on mediumship.  Ghost hunt… I was on a ghost hunting show for four years in Europe.  I don’t think the show ever made it to the States though.”

Mokey laughed.  “I guess this place is fitting then.”

“Yeah, life is like that.  It’s a series of crazy coincidences.”

“I’m starting to see that.  I’ll get two coffees, you grab a table,” Mokey suggested.

“I’ll take tea, if they have it,” David corrected.

“Tea?  You really did spend a lot of time in Europe.”  She laughed.

“No, I started drinking tea long before Europe.”  He laughed in return.

“Any specific kind?”

“Surprise me,” David looked around at the tables.  “Any specific place you want to sit?”

“Surprise me,” Mokey laughed, as she headed over to the counter.

As soon as they had their drinks, a song suddenly started playing from somewhere on Mokey’s person.  She reached into her coat pocket and pulled out her cell phone.  “Sorry, I’ve got to take this,” she explained.  “Just a second.”  She moved a little ways away from him and answered the call quietly.  Shortly after, she joined him at the table.

“Sorry,” she apologized again.  “That was my boyfriend.  I had to take it,” she explained.  David noticed that she couldn’t look at him when she said boyfriend.  “I let him know about you.  He said he’s stopping by.  I hope that’s OK?”

David shrugged.  “That’s fine.”

“Good.”  She seated herself and took off her jacket.  “OK, I’m ready.”

“Give me a minute to collect my thoughts,” David laughed.

He stared at his tea for a long while, before he finally took a deep breath and began.

“I can’t really start at the beginning.  I’m not even sure when it all started.  I’ll just pick an event and go from there.  Feel free to ask questions.”  Mokey nodded in agreement.  “My grandfather Spencer’s funeral, that’s when it started getting really bad.  Let’s see, it was 1997 and I was a senior in high school.  It was actually my second senior year, because the first one was interrupted rather violently.”

“By the accident?”  Mokey asked.

David nodded.  He closed his eyes and slipped into the memory trance that had brought him so much grief in the past.  All at once the café, Mokey, the institution, London, all of it was gone and in David’s mind it was the day of his grandfather’s funeral.

©Patti Keno

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