poetry | Invisible No More

You won’t be alone forever

by pattikeno

The hollow of his hands

The smoothness of his nails

The soft flesh above his eyes

His strong arms around me

His texture; It’s all so real

And I miss it

I miss all of this

As I sit and contemplate

the emptiness of my own arms

I long to feel him there

I long to see him; to touch his hair

I lived my whole life with

This longing for the man with no face

I’ve felt my head against his chest

I’ve felt his finger on my lips and in my mouth

I’ve stared into his ocean-deep eyes

But never once saw his face

Every morning I wake more exhausted

Then when I fell asleep

I’ve spend the entire night

Trying to convince him to come to me

Begging… pleading…

Longing for him to follow me as I slip through

The Dreaming and wake alone once more.

I cry each morning, holding myself

Soon there will be nothing left

Of me to hold on too

Soon there will be nothing left of me.

He told me last night…

“you won’t be alone forever.”

But this waiting is tearing me apart inside

This raw nerve that rips open anew

Each time I see another couple

Together

Another couple in love.

It tears me apart inside that I cannot be

That I cannot be in love

I can only be alone.

4/2/01

©Patti Keno

2001 Poetry the imaginary boy the nocturnal boy

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My self-made prison cell

by pattikeno

this ache inside

for something new

it never fades

it never ebbs

it always stays

deep inside of my

heart

love

such a useless emotion

it only leads to pain

I’ve been burnt before

and nothing will

ever burn me again

I push them away

SCARE them away

before they get too close

I can’t let them in

I can’t let them near

I don’t want them

hurting like I did

I feign the search for

the ebon eyes that haunt

me in my dreams

but the loss of

self keeps me from reaching out

I’m too afraid of losing

the self I worked so hard to build

the self I worked so hard to reclaim

I can’t let them in

Even if it means that I can never get out

I never want to lose myself in someone else again

so I go

forever feigning interest

pain and jealousy

filling my very being

maybe it’s envy

not jealousy that I feel

a secret wish to be normal

to be more like them

in their perfect bliss

a hand and a sigh

lips meeting

touching

kissing

a hand and a sigh

they continue

and never notice my tears

too lost in their own desires

to ever notice me fading

slipping away

into another world

my imaginary world

where all my dreams come true

and there is always someone there

to hold me

always someone there

to love me

in a love beyond love

in a love beyond sex

in a love beyond this world

a love that only I can give myself

once again his ebon eyes

behold me and I cringe

in their wake

he knows that I am a coward

he knows that I’ve been weak

he smiles

and once again whispers out

his catch phrase:

“It’s not your time”

and he takes me in his arms once more

if I can’t be with him now

then I can at least enjoy him in my dreams

because the loss of

self keeps me from reaching out

I’m too afraid of losing

the self I worked so hard to build

the self I worked so hard to reclaim

I can’t let them in

even if it means That I can never get out

I can never get out

I will always be

on the inside looking

out

4/24/01

©Patti Keno

2001 the nocturnal boy

2 Comments »

my heart broke again today
wanting and waiting and wasting away
Another moment lost
another tear to fall
he could have changed my life
he could have rocked my world
waiting and wanting and wasting away
lost once more on the sea
of yesterdays past
of people lost
moments gone
disappeared
they glare in front of me
making me ache
making my heart break
over and over again
i just want to hide
i just want to hide away
and lose myself
i just want to be lost
lost again
i don’t want to see
i don’t want to see
what i know I can NEVER have
what i know i can NEVER be
i don’t want to see
waiting and wanting and wasting away
i lost another one today
i lost another one today
whimper want or whisper stay
i lost another one today

03/29/04
.

©Patti Keno

“whimper want or whisper stay” is a line by Shane Murphy

2004 Poetry the disappearing boy the imaginary boy

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the smile

by pattikeno

It started with

a smile

a quick hello

an innocence

shared

an electricity

crackling

in their

eyes

It started with

a smile

a simple caress

an innocent

kiss

a tender

word

full of

meaning

it started

with a smile

and lived

and entire lifetime

in the span

of a minute

as her imagination

built an entire

lifetime

of love

based on that

one smile

3/17/00

©Patti Keno

to “the Man I always drop things in front of”

2000 2000 Poetry

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Dismissed

by pattikeno

Dismissing me
waiting in remittance
aching with
faux
despair
It’s all inside me
as I stand
before you
and listen
to your words
of shame
your words
of dismissal
dismissing me
as if i
meant
nothing to
you
and it is
in that
time of
Aching
dismay
that i have
come to realize
I meant
less to you
than you’ve
ever meant
to me

3.19.98

©Patti Keno

1998 Poetry the silent boy

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A Murder of One by Patti Keno (me)

by pattikeno

So it happened faster than i thought it would. My book is now available in paperback and kindle at Amazon.com

http://www.amazon.com/Murder-One-Patti-Keno/dp/0692388338/ref=la_B00UB8EJJ4_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1425660411&sr=1-1

2015 book New writing

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here and now

by pattikeno

there was nothing left here
the well had long since dried
the words were all scattered
like feathers in the wind
scattered only to be collected again
there was nothing left inside of me
until you entered in
i had given up on everything
and i sat, just waiting to die
but now here i am outside
in the thick of it again
laughing, as i slip into
yet another new skin
moving into the distance
as the shell begins to harden
the outer layer crusting over
like a scab just beginning to heal
you gave me new life
a reason to begin
you helped me pick up the pieces
and lay them down again
with your magnetic presence
your omnipotent lust
you leapt ahead of me
leaving me behind in a trail of dust
surprisingly i followed you
and leapt off into the unknown
there is no future
there is no past
only Right here
Right now
everything else
means nothing
it’s only the here
and
its only the now

that matter anyway

for: the cinnamon boy

2002 Poetry the cinnamon boy

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happy

by pattikeno

What would I be

with out this pen in

my hand

this notebook resting

on my knee

the words scratching

their way to the

surface

longing to be heard

where would I be

some other place

I wouldn’t be here now

I wouldn’t be me

not without my pen

and paper

not without my words

I wouldn’t be me

I wouldn’t be this…

happy

02/18/01

©Patti Keno

2001 Poetry writing

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Will you be my valentine?

by pattikeno

if I lay down my head

and close my eyes

maybe I won’t have to do this

maybe I won’t have to go through with it

it’s so funny

so ridiculously funny

that I cry and cry because I don’t have love

but then when the opportunity presents itself

I want to run away from it

and all I want to do right now

is cry

and cry

I’m so nervous

I’m so scared

I’m so giddy

what’s gonna happen?

who knows?

what if he never shows?

what if I don’t?

I can’t breathe anymore

my throat is closing up

it’s ok

relax

you’ve made it this far

don’t turn back

this may be it

you’ll never know until you try

02/14/02

©Patti Keno

To: the cinnamon boy

2002 Poetry the cinnamon boy

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Stay Tuned…..

by pattikeno

So for the past couple months i have been working on getting my novel ready to self-publish. I’m excited to tell you that though not quite ready yet, it will be sometime soon. Hopefully before the end of February. YAY!!!! It’s called A Murder of One. I wrote it 20 years ago and have been perfecting it ***cough***procrastinating***cough*** ever since. SO yeah. I’ll keep you updated. I’m so excited!!! 🙂