Invisible No More

my love affair with words

Normal

 

those words

and the way  you

say them

make me feel

stupid and useless

and I hate it

I’m not like

everyone

else

so quit trying

to change

me

I will never

fit in

to your cookie

cutter

expectations

so why do you

even try

those words

and the way

you say

them

cut me in two

leaving me bleeding

and restless

I will never be

normal

so quit trying

to make

me

so

.

those words

and the way

in which you

say them

leave me aching

and breaking

down in despair

.

I am not

stupid!

I am not

weak!

I am not

useless!

.

I am

NOT

NORMAL

and I

will

never

be

                                                            4/10/15

                                                              ©Patti Keno

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pieces

pieces of me
scattered
strewn about
dust covered
water stained
teeny tiny
little pieces
scattered
strewn about
lying in repose
and here I sit
aching this
old
familiar ache
longing
longing for someone
anyone
to help me
help me
pick up the
pieces
pieces of
me
teeny tiny
me

.

.

                                                   7/11/15

                                                    ©Patti Keno

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my choice

 

somehow I turn from you

and find myself longing

even more

for the touch of you

the feel of you

somehow I pull myself away

I pull myself apart

and ache

for the softness of your skin

the depth of your hand

the silence of your indignation

I ache in despair

at feelings

not there

feelings I feel

but you never will

I can fuss and scream

and ache and bawl

but there will never

be anything

between us

nothing but

the casual glance

of a lonesome friend

and the distance

so aching and vast

so desperate

so alone

I wait

for you

for anyone

to stop my

tears

to end me

                                                                                         5/16/05

                                                                                           ©Patti Keno

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My self-made prison cell

this ache inside

for something new

it never fades

it never ebbs

it always stays

deep inside of my

heart

.

love

such a useless emotion

it only leads to pain

I’ve been burnt before

and nothing will

ever burn me again

 .

I push them away

SCARE them away

before they get too close

I can’t let them in

I can’t let them near

I don’t want them

hurting like I did

 .

I feign the search for

the ebon eyes that haunt

me in my dreams

but the loss of

self keeps me from reaching out

I’m too afraid of losing

the self I worked so hard to build

the self I worked so hard to reclaim

I can’t let them in

I can’t let them in

Even if it means that I can never get out

I never want to lose myself in someone else again

.

so I go

forever feigning interest

pain and jealousy

filling my very being

maybe it’s envy

not jealousy that I feel

a secret wish to be normal

to be more like them

in their perfect bliss

.

a hand and a sigh

lips meeting

touching

kissing

a hand and a sigh

they continue

and never notice my tears

too lost in their own desires

to ever notice me fading

slipping away

into another world

my imaginary world

where all my dreams come true

and there is always someone there

to hold me

always someone there

to love me

in a love beyond love

in a love beyond sex

in a love beyond this world

a love that only I can give myself

.

once again his ebon eyes

behold me and I cringe

in their wake

he knows that I am a coward

he knows that I’ve been weak

he smiles

and once again whispers out

his catch phrase:

“It’s not your time”

and he takes me in his arms once more

if I can’t be with him now

then I can at least enjoy him in my dreams

 .

because the loss of

self keeps me from reaching out

I’m too afraid of losing

the self I worked so hard to build

the self I worked so hard to reclaim

I can’t let them in

I can’t let them in

even if it means That I can never get out

 .

I can never get out

I will always be

on the inside looking

out

 .

.

                                                          4/24/01

©Patti Keno

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A Murder of One by Patti Keno (me)

So it happened faster than i thought it would.  My book is now available in paperback and kindle at Amazon.com

 

http://www.amazon.com/Murder-One-Patti-Keno/dp/0692388338/ref=la_B00UB8EJJ4_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1425660411&sr=1-1

 

AMOO_lg

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the longing hand

the longing hand

reaches out

and closes around

my heart

the longing hand

searches me out

as I hide within

the crowd

pretending to be

normal

pretending to be

me

I can never

out run it

I can never

hide from it

the longing hand

will always

find me

the longing hand

will always be

closing around

my desperate

heart

I have resigned

myself to

accept my

fate

I’ve begun

to crave

it’s touch

the longing hand

so painful

the longing had

so harsh

so cruel

I crave the

restlessness

I crave the

sleepless nights

I long for the

longing hand

as it longs for

me

I long for

the longing hand

closing around

my heart

for it is only

in that moment

in that familiar

grasp

that I truly

feel alive

.

.

8/30/00

©Patti Keno

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Fin

i miss you

my disappearing

boy

my mysterious

stranger

the other

half

to my

whole

i miss your

words

their shimmering

silence

leaves a gaping

wound

i ache for you

even though

we never

met

my disappearing

boy

why did you

disappear?

.

1/3/15

©Patti Keno

To:SMM

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Geppeddo

Swirling around me
they giggle and point
and laugh at my hair
as i am trapped
in my cage
behind all the faces
all the porcelain eyes
that seem to protect me
but expose me at the same
time
.
they move around my cage
threatening me
with their questions
their longing stares
no no
not me
I’m not the puppet master
no no
not me
I don’t control the strings
I’m just Pinnochio
a wooden boy
waiting to be real
hoping to be real
one day
.
I sit in my cage
and hope you don’t see
me
hidden behind my fears
hidden behind
these eyes
that protect me
but scare me all at once
.

.

11/9/01
©Patti Keno

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IV tube

i’m still draining
and i bled for so long
but i think it’s finally gone
I think it’s finally done now
so just strap me up
and spread my legs
and tear out all my insides
more tests
more poking and prodding
only to find
there is nothing wrong
with me
more doctors with there
hands on my breasts
molesting
massaging
another deep tissue massage
another enema
filling me with barium
another ultrasound
to look at my useless ovaries
another radiation test
just set this building on fire
test me for drugs
i don’t take them
test me for aids
i might have it
stick in your needles
and take away my blood
there’s no way i will need it now
cause every hope i ever had
is wasted
every moment of my life
standing
naked
in front of men & women
in black gowns
holding me down
sticking there useless
probes under my skin
give me more pills
more medicines
you’ll never find the cause
you’ll never be able to stop
these symptoms
this pain in my stomach
this 20 day bleeding
why my knees always hurt
the headaches that plague me
like i’m being bludgeoned to death
these knives
this skin
get it out
get it out
this parasite
underneath my skin
it’s just my soul
trying to fit in.
trying to fit into
a body that was never
meant for me.

.

11/21/02
pik

©Patti Keno

1 Comment »

frozen

frozen

I’m caught

in your ice

blue eyes

in your dark

brown hair

in your sweet

caress

in your angry

glare

frozen

I am aching

and so unaware

that you’ll be

gone too soon

and never

will I have

made my

move

because I

am frozen

 .

 .

4/17/98

pik

©Patti Keno

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