this ache inside
for something new
it never fades
it never ebbs
it always stays
deep inside of my
heart
.
love
such a useless emotion
it only leads to pain
I’ve been burnt before
and nothing will
ever burn me again
.
I push them away
SCARE them away
before they get too close
I can’t let them in
I can’t let them near
I don’t want them
hurting like I did
.
I feign the search for
the ebon eyes that haunt
me in my dreams
but the loss of
self keeps me from reaching out
I’m too afraid of losing
the self I worked so hard to build
the self I worked so hard to reclaim
I can’t let them in
I can’t let them in
Even if it means that I can never get out
I never want to lose myself in someone else again
.
so I go
forever feigning interest
pain and jealousy
filling my very being
maybe it’s envy
not jealousy that I feel
a secret wish to be normal
to be more like them
in their perfect bliss
.
a hand and a sigh
lips meeting
touching
kissing
a hand and a sigh
they continue
and never notice my tears
too lost in their own desires
to ever notice me fading
slipping away
into another world
my imaginary world
where all my dreams come true
and there is always someone there
to hold me
always someone there
to love me
in a love beyond love
in a love beyond sex
in a love beyond this world
a love that only I can give myself
.
once again his ebon eyes
behold me and I cringe
in their wake
he knows that I am a coward
he knows that I’ve been weak
he smiles
and once again whispers out
his catch phrase:
“It’s not your time”
and he takes me in his arms once more
if I can’t be with him now
then I can at least enjoy him in my dreams
.
because the loss of
self keeps me from reaching out
I’m too afraid of losing
the self I worked so hard to build
the self I worked so hard to reclaim
I can’t let them in
I can’t let them in
even if it means That I can never get out
.
I can never get out
I will always be
on the inside looking
out
.
.
4/24/01
©Patti Keno
Invisible No More 