A meltdown is when the emotions inside me built up to a point that I can no longer control them. It usually happens when I am frustrated, scared, angry or if I perceive a threat (a threat to me could be someone telling me I did something wrong). When this happens words fill my head: things I want to say (but can’t), things you’ve just said to me. These words fill my head until I can’t think anymore and they finally break free as tears.
I have only had five or six public meltdowns as an adult (that I can remember). Most times I can feel it coming and remove myself from the situation or I can talk myself down: “You’re not going to cry. You’re not going to cry. You’re not going to cry.” I repeat that mantra until I eventually calm down or sometimes cry. It seems like working with difficult bosses or people makes me more vulnerable to melt downs.
Like the one I had in the Meijer backroom when I worked there. They manager would not let me go home after I hurt my knee (on the job, no less). I was so angry and frustrated that I ended up hiding in the racks of shoes in the back room crying until my friend found me and asked me what’s wrong. Most times I can get to a bathroom or any other hidden place and have it privately, but sometimes I can’t get away and I panic and say crazy things or do crazy things just to get away.
Like the time at the bookstore when my friend got fired, but I was her ride. The manager told me to drive her home and come back to work. My friend getting fired started the melt down, but this time I could actually get my words out and I told him. “Here’s the thing, I’ll take her home, but I’m not coming back. I QUIT!” He was upset, but what could he do to stop me. That is when I uttered the hilarious and now famous (in my little circle of friends) words: “And I’m taking my Kleenex with me!” my friend and I stormed out Kleenex box in hand. I knew I would need those Kleenex on the way home.
Back then I didn’t know what a “meltdown” was. I always just thought everyone had these little insane attacks of not knowing what to say and crying for no apparent reason. I didn’t know crying in front of people wasn’t “normal”. Thinking back now I wonder what people must think when that happens. Do they go home and tell their spouses. “Hey I made a girl cry at work today.” to which there spouse would say. “How nice” and they would continue eating their meal.
Another not-so-hilarious meltdown occurred when I worked at Borders. (not to be confused with the bookstore mentioned earlier) I was older and medicated when this meltdown happened. I was working the Info desk, I took a call and the customer was frustrated with me because I couldn’t hear what she was saying. She said “Are you stupid? I said…” and repeated what she said which I still didn’t understand. (My hearing difficulties are much worse on the phone…no lips to read) to which I replied. “Please Hold” Put her on hold and picked up the radio mic clipped to my lanyard. I asked if someone could please take the call on line one because I couldn’t understand her and she was a bitch. (I had never swore on the floor at work and I was always extremely courteous to all the customers, so hearing me say that on the floor must have been a red flag for my coworkers) I ran to the break room and threw myself on the couch in tears. A manager got me and took me in the office to help me calm down. (God, just writing about these experiences are making me teary eyed.) The thing that calmed me down the most that time was when my friend James knocked on the door bringing me a Coke, to help me calm down. He didn’t know it, but when I drink (Coke, water, anything) it helps me push the tears back, plus I thought it was really sweet of him. J
My meltdowns most of the time only involve crying. Although sometimes (not as much as they used to) they involve self injury. (Self injury meaning cutting, punching or biting myself) Most of that self injury occurred because I felt I was too stupid or not good enough or to punish myself for some wrong that mostly likely no one noticed anyway or because I was just plain angry. (That also leads to another long story about my self-injury or “cutting” problem which is a topic for another time. Don’t worry I haven’t cut myself in over 10 years) I don’t know how to express anger. I’m supposed to be working on that. L Although I do have my poetry and my journal entries, some of these are very anger-filled
The Hulk
There are walls
of silence that
surround me
that hold me
back
separate, apart
from my
future
walls of silence
that I cannot endure
walls of silence
that are
torturous
and too difficult
to bear
but I cannot
speak
the words
are choked
back in anger
shoved down
my throat
by silence
leaving my
soul raw
and
angry
a storehouse
of rage
lays there
deep inside
deep within
this
skin
a store-
house
of rage
that is
filling
fast
and when
it fills
and explodes
no one will
be safe
from my
wrath
for I am
like you
a beast
an animal
that cannot
control
my rage
I cannot
pull it
back
once it is
released
and like
the
Incredible
Hulk
you must
believe
me
when I say
“don’t make me angry.
you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”
.
12/11/98
©Patti Keno
The quote was from The Incredible Hulk TV series which was my favorite show growing up until Quantum Leap came out then I was a Leap girl, but I NEVER lost my love for Bill Bixby & Lou Ferrigno, even though Lou made me cry at a Comic Con. (He told me it cost money to have my picture taken with him after I just spent all the money I had on an autographed head shot of him.) Luckily my brother was there to talk me down from that meltdown. See that is what I mean something that little and insignificant sent me into a vortex of emotions. I was angry; I was sad; I was disappointed; but because I don’t know how to express those emotions they just came out in tears. I have seen the Hulk inside of me though, she’s been out once or twice and she’s not pretty.
Another thing that causes meltdowns in me is routines and schedules. I need to know what I’m doing every day before I do it. I need a clear plan; a schedule for the day’s events and deviating from that schedule could be catastrophic. If you tell me we’re going to Applebee’s and then at the last minute decide to go somewhere else. I ‘freak out’ (mostly I’ve learned to internalize the freak out which is probably not good, but at least I don’t get embarrassed for melting down in front of people) I’ve also learned over the years to have a contingency plan for restaurants. I plan what I’m going to eat at each one that we could possibly go to that way it won’t be as bad if plans change. Just watch out if God forbid the restaurant we finally decide to go to stops carrying my go-to-meal, it’s more devastating to me when that happens and therefore harder to control my melt down.
Another example of routine breaking caused meltdowns…. I had a boyfriend once who would constantly make plans with me and then not show up. Normally people would think how rude and feel slighted. Not me I would be constantly peeking out the window “Is that him? Is he here finally?” As the day progressed with no word I would get sadder and sadder until I finally broke down in tears. I was sure that his not showing up meant it was over between us and he no longer wanted to be my boyfriend. I wrote a poem about that. (I write poems about everything can you tell?)
.
Promises
desperate and aching
waiting and waiting
on tiptoes
I stare out
through the window
in the door
and wait
and watch
and hope
to see you there
.
desperate and aching
waiting and waiting
pacing the floor
wanting
waiting
you said
you’d be here
.
desperate and aching
waiting and waiting
I say my goodbyes
and fly into
my room
fall into my bed
and cover up my head
desperate and aching
waiting and waiting
waiting and waiting
waiting and waiting
crying and sobbing
stood up again
.
4/10/15
©Patti Keno
Well that’s it for now stay tuned for the next installment of Who I Am coming soon. In the meantime check out my books at
Don’t forget to read Who I Am part one…
https://pattikeno.wordpress.com/2015/07/17/who-i-am-part-1/?preview=true
©Patti Keno
Invisible No More 